Strange girl, strange world

On beds and other goodies

2010-07-29T20:55:00.000-04:00

The boy had the side taken off his crib as an experiment in seeing if he could, you know, actually sleep in bed. Eventually we need to move the girl out of the pack and play. Of course, she's not growing at an exponential rate, so it could last quite awhile longer but still it has to be done. So we tried. It's been 3 days so far.

Night 1) The boy got up at least 8 times, coming out of his room. I took him back repeatedly informing him it was time for bed. About an hour after actual bedtime, he conked out.

Night 2) The boy got up only twice before giving up

Night 3) The boy decided that coming out of the room was for suckers and that he could do plenty of things in the room. Like climbing the dresser. This resulted in his dad being very cross with him after he climbed up there the 3rd time. He fell asleep after that.

Soooo.... yeah.... we'll keep working at this. But the child needs to stop being so damn creative before he gets himself killed. Or I need to find a way to strap down the dresser.

In other news, the boy also hid my keys (car and house) and refuses to tell me where they are. We will get them replaced this weekend.

Be a Hero for Babies!

2010-07-22T13:49:00.000-04:00

The MoD and Farmer's Insurance are raising money for babies today. The goal is $2 million. You can donate by visiting marchofdimes.com/farmers and make a donation, or use your cell phone to donate $5 to the March of Dimes by texting the word “hero” to 20222.

This little guy was born as a big preemie, weighing 5lbs, 12ozs, 4 weeks early. He was lucky that he didn't have any major medical issues and spent only 6 days in the NICU before coming home. Today he looks like this:

You never know. You could be helping to save a baby's life!

Enjoying things

2010-07-12T12:33:00.001-04:00

The weekend was good. This was in part because we got a night out without the boy and the girl in tow. We went to my friend's wedding and it was a good time for sure. Not your traditional wedding, although it was similar. But you know you're in for a good time when dinner is barbeque (southern style). It was just a nice way to spend an evening.

Hopefully, very soon, my husband will have a job. If not, there will have to be a lot of negotiations between me and utility companies and the mortgage holder. Especially since I won't get paid until the end of August. Have I ever mentioned that I think getting paid this way sucks? Really it does. These are the moments when I look at my job and wonder why I'm not spending my time in a lab where at least I would get paid on a regular basis. It may be time to re-examine the temp agency issues and see if there are any jobs that I would qualify for. This isn't real likely since I haven't seen a lab in about 8 years (other than my classroom one, which does not have sophisticated electronic equipment) but might still be worth updating a resume and seeing if there are other options. This would mean that I don't get the summer SAHM option any more. However, food and clothes for my children does rank slightly higher.

I'm still doing one day at a time though and trying to not stress and trusting that the universe will work things out.

In memory...

2010-07-02T10:15:00.000-04:00

July 2, 2007

If you ever get the chance, support the March of Dimes. They do all kinds of research to help prevent the preterm birth of babies. They couldn't help my two little angels, but someday I hope they can save others.

If you would like a picture like the one above please visit: http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/

Carly has an amazing site with cards for infant loss and infertility struggles as well as taking these beautiful pictures for angels who have were with their parents for far to brief a time.

Shades of pink

2010-06-20T13:23:00.000-04:00

This is one of those posts that has been milling around in my head for awhile. It actually stems from an internet argument that caused me to leave a message board. At the time, I was pregnant but didn't know the gender of the baby as it was to early to know. The argument may have been even more relevant since it turned out to be a girl. But the argument is all over the place lately - I like to call it the princess debate. It has more to do with the blatant coloring of everything for little girls in one shade. Pink. Which is helped along by one of my favorite companies ever. Disney. Yes, I said it. I LOVE Disney.

Let me preface this whole thing by explaining that I am a geek. Like, I met my husband at a LARP (live-action role play for those who don't know the word) geek. Like I grew up playing Dungeons and Dragons geek. Like, I'm a girl who likes science and math geek and even more so if they're puzzles (like sudokus). Like, I watch Discovery Channel for fun geek. So I may bring a different perspective to this. I think I also have a unique perspective because I also teach the product of years of US culture. High school students.

The argument that so much pink is bad for girls is one I won't argue with. There's no reason to have the same toy for a baby boy and a baby girl but make the girl one in pink. Last I checked, babies liked variety. So you won't catch me buying the girl a pink toy if there's a more colorful one right next to it. After all, I didn't have pink everything and I came out just fine, thank you very much. But part of the argument goes on to the princesses, which tends to target Disney, since it's probably their princesses that started the whole thing. Ahhh, Disney princesses. I love Sleeping Beauty. And Cinderella. They're my favorites. And I fully expect that the girl will have a favorite too.

Here's the thing. I don't expect that a love for princesses will cause her to turn into a vapid idiot. Nor do I think that she will spend her whole life as an imbecile searching for Prince Charming to come along. Because I don't expect to teach her those things. And that is where I differ from the hundreds of feminists and other people who would like to roast the princesses on a spit because their very existence means that my daughter will be like I described above.

Anybody who honestly thinks that the influence of the media is more relevant to their child than the influence of their parent is off their rocker. Does this mean that the media does not affect them? Of course not. My son wants everything he sees with Lightning McQueen on it. He's watched that movie waaaaaay to many times. But he likes it and I'm trying to use this obsession to start to teach him that we can't have everything that we want. And toddlers are obsessive anyway. If it wasn't Cars, it would be something else. I recall my brother being obsessed with Transformers. And I'm fairly certain that before there was media children were still obsessed with things. They were probably just obsessed with things in nature. And eventually I'm pretty sure that my son will discover the joy of bugs or lizards or some other equally disgusting thing. And I wouldn't be surprised if the girl does too, since it's becomming all to clear that she's obsessed with her brother. Look at that - 3 months old and already obsessed with something. I don't think she's likely to want to turn into a boy. Although, I guess you never know.

My point is, that there will always be something. I have several obsessions myself, although I tend to refer to them as hobbies or collections. I have several dragons in my bedroom (I am a dragon, according to the Chinese calendar, so maybe that's why I like them so much?), I have a box of scrapbooking supplies, I love to travel (and take pictures of said travel, hence the scrapbooking supplies) and oh yeah, Disney pervades my house. My movies, a few sculptures, art books and some clothing all with Disney as their focus. Does it surprise you that my son like Disney? Do you think my daughter will? I would bet yes.

I'm also willing to bet that they will learn to love food and travel, because both my husband and I do. I'm also pretty sure that they will develop a love for nature and all things science, math and puzzles because so do I. If they don't that's ok, but it wouldn't surprise me to find out they enjoy those things. I feel confident that MY values (Disney is awesome) was far more important in my son's attachment than a tv commercial. Because who exposed him to Disney? Me. Yes, on purpose.

Do all kids love Disney? Uh, no. In fact, I teach kids (and I've been teaching for 7 years now, so I've seen a fair few of them) who abhor Disney. So, I guess they missed the marketing message. I see lots of girls who shun the color pink. I see lots of girl who are total vapid morons and I don't think it has anything to do with Disney (ever heard of a beauty pageant?). There are a million different things that can cause girls to be idiots, but I am fairly sure that every time that message came from one place initially. Parents.

Now, does media reinforce some things? Well, of course it does. There is far to much objectification of females in the media. There is far to much marketing directed at kids. Both of those things mean that parents must be paying attention. Talking to their kids. Teaching their values. That's where this can be fixed. Companies make pink toys because ADULTS buy pink toys. Adults, who should be able to think for themselves. Who should be able to talk to their kids and tell them why that's dumb.

Bottom line? Let the corporations do what they will. Let the other side yell about how horrible the corporation is. In the meantime, I'm raising my kids over here and I'm trying to teach them how to be polite, responsible adults who think for themselves. And if my daughter likes pink, well, that's ok with me.

Vacation!

2010-06-13T12:49:00.000-04:00

School is done! Thank heaven.

Marathon training got totally derailed when I caught a tummy bug the day after my first run. I ran 2 miles and then had to stop. Now I feel better, so hopefully I can get back to running ASAP.

I took Monday off because I couldn't justify spending a week of daycare for both kids for one day of work. Even if I don't get paid for it (which is possible) it still makes more sense financially. Of course, the A/C broke, so now we need to get that fixed. And my husband, is progressing with his courses, but still jobless. He should start certification number 4 this week, so he has A+, a Cisco one and Microsoft after he finishes this test. There are 7, in total I think, for the program we paid for. So that's half way.

The girl is in her 3 month growth spurt and so is eating constantly. Fun. It's hard to blog one-handed.

Starting over

2010-06-01T19:03:00.000-04:00

This time last year, I started training so I could run a half-marathon. Heh. Then, last August I found out that we were expecting the girl. That put a swift end to any running. So now I'm starting over again.

As of today I am officially starting my half-marathon training.

I am completely crazy.

Hopefully I get to run 6 miles - 3 2mile runs.

Adventures in potties

2010-05-22T18:11:00.000-04:00

The boy is 2 and I would like to think that he won't be in diapers forever. Moreso, I would love to believe that he will potty train SOON so I don't need to buy diapers for 2 kids - or at least not need him in diapers all day. We can do nighttime diapers. So we've been talking about the potty.

For his birthday we got him How to Potty Train Your Monster. It's a very cute book and it doesn't push the issue much, since it's talking about monsters and not kids. He likes it. Then, not long ago, we were in a store getting some things for the girl and we walked past the potty seats. Out of nowhere we suddenly were hearing "Ning! Ning!" Sure enough, a Cars themed potty seat was there, and he desperately wanted it. So we got it for him.Other than that, we've simply been talking about the potty. Plus he's in the 2-3 year old a preschool and that room is a transition room, so some kids use the potty and others don't.

Yesterday was a momentous occasion. We were sitting watching tv when I looked over at the boy who had taken off his pants and diaper (this was a first for us) and pointed at the bathroom. He looked at me expectantly, so I asked him if he wanted to go potty. He said yes, so I took him and put him on the seat. We sat there for awhile... maybe 10 minutes... before I asked him if he was done. He said yes. Well he hadn't actually done anything, but hey, I figured it was a start. I put his diaper and pants back on him and went back to the girl who was attempting to scoot across the room backwards (and failing, since she's not quite aware of her hands yet, let alone capable of coordinated motion).

Five minutes later my husband went over to the boy and announced he needed a new diaper. So apparently he knows when he has to go, but doesn't know when he's actually gone? Or he just thinks he needs to go in his diaper? Who knows... I'm still hoping that, you know, someday, I won't have to buy diapers in bulk for two...

Places to go, things to do

2010-05-16T13:55:00.000-04:00

I had a conversation at work the other day with a co-worker about what we would do if we won the lottery. Like, really won, I mean - millions, maybe billions. Not a couple thousand. He had asked me if I would still work and oddly enough, my answer was yes.

"You'd come back to work?"

Well, not exactly. I wouldn't be teaching anymore, but there are lots of things I would want to do. STarting with volunteer time. Besides the March of Dimes, I would want to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity and probably a few other places too.

But mostly what I would want to do would be to travel. The list of places is long. I mean, first I would by a Disney Vacation Club so I could go many, many times. Because I am nothing if not a Disney freak. However, there are dozens of other places on my list. So I figured I'd give you a brief summary of the wheres and whys (in no particular order).

Alaska, just for the scenery.
Arizona, specifically Phoenix. I hear (from Guy Fieri) that there are some good places to eat down there.
California: San Francisco, San Diego, Los Angeles/Anaheim and anywhere with a vineyard
Colorado, again for the scenery
Hawaii, to dive
Lousiana, specifically New Orleans
Maine, for the lobster
Massachusetts, because I grew up here and LOVE Boston
Nevada, to eat my way across Las Vegas
New York, because again, having lived here I love it and miss it
Oregon, mostly for scenery
Pennsylvania, to see Philadelphia
Texas: Austin, Houston and San Antonio
Virginia and DC for the historical sites
Washington, specifically Seattle

That's just in the US, because the list goes on:
England (again) because I haven't seen enough yet.
Ireland, for the history and geneaology
France, specifically Paris but also the countrysides
Germany, for the beer
Holland, for the tulips
Italy, again for the food
Australia, mostly to dive but also to see Australia
China
Japan
Nova Scotia and the islands off Canada

Keep in mind that I am currently 33, will be 34 in December and only a small portion of this list has been completed. I'll get through the list. It's mostly just a matter of time. But millionaire or not, I intend to see all the places on my list. I should probably get a move on, huh?

Education from both sides

2010-05-12T21:12:00.000-04:00

So, my first week back at work. It happens to be close to the boy's speech evaluation. I am anxious to see what the speech therapist will have to say on Monday. I've also been researching the transition process that may or may not take place in a year. That seems so far away but it also will come quickly. Plus, I like to be prepared and the more time I have to look over/think about things and get questions answered, the better. So I've asked at work and hopefully will be able to talk to somebody who does this all the time. Education on this end is going pretty smoothly.

From the other end though... woo boy. It's not pretty. I knew being on maternity leave was going to be a pain. I had no idea just how painful it would be. I mean, the number of parents who are demanding meetings so they can request that their child's grade be changed is astounding. And my answer to all of them is the same. No. I don't change grades unless I screwed up. If I messed up, I will admit it and fix the problem. But I will not give your child an A because I like them. I will not pass your child because they're a senior (although I will WORK with them to help them earn a passing grade). I will not give your child a B because he claims that he should have that grade. I just won't do it.

The ultimate goal of what I do is education. I learned a long time ago that an A does not mean you've mastered the material and an F doesn't mean that you haven't learned a lot. And grades are always subjective unless you're talking about a multiple choice test (which I'm not fond of for evaluative purposes but they sure are easy to grade). So yes, you may have a different opinion. But here's the facts: I went to school to learn how to do this. In fact, I spent several years learning both my subject area (Chemistry and Physics) and education. I am referred to as a professional for a reason.While I appreciate you are well versed in your child, I am well versed in managing my classroom. So unless you are about to explain a special circumstance like recently diagnosed ADHD or the fact that they are narcoleptic on Wednesdays we don't need a meeting. You need to accept my professional judgement.

Please, let me never be this annoying.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho....

2010-05-02T20:15:00.000-04:00

Just one more week of maternity leave and then I have to go back to work. I feel fortunate that I only have 5 weeks before summer vacation, but it really does stink to have to put the girl into daycare for 5 weeks. Especially since she won't have many of her vaxes yet. I really don't want her to get sick. Hopefully the fact that it's warming up will mean fewer germs abound as more people are spread out and not all cooped up in the same space.

The boy will be 2 on Tuesday. Holy moley... I've been a mom to an earth side baby for 2 years! Which, ironically, is about how long it took to get him. Funny, these past two years went a whole lot faster than the 2 before that.

Imperfect but still perfect

2010-04-30T18:48:00.000-04:00

The girl. Just like her brother perfect in every way. Except for one interesting little quirk. If you look closely at her eyes, you'll notice that one is blue and the other is... brown? Yup, brown.

How did that happen? Well, that's a good question and one that I have no answer for. I know, genetically speaking, it's not possible for one set of DNA to produce two different eye colors. There could have been a mutation in one eye, I suppose, but that would be pretty rare. Of course, so are all the other possibilities. So on Monday I'm going to give our ped a call and see what they have to say. It's been like this about a week now and it's definitely not changing. I am sure that whatever we discover, this isn't going to change.

Which means that she's going to be explaining this for the rest of her life to people. I know firsthand how mean kids can be when there isn't much different about you. When there is something different... well, I guess we're going to find out just how that's going to go.

Now, the boy. We've got some good news on his front. His IFSP is going to be changed so that his new goal will be to begin using words (not just word approximations) and to combine those words to begin to form sentences. Since he's going to be 2 in just 4 days, he's still behind, but less behind than he was when we started 6 months ago. We're also going to get a speech evaluation done to see if there's some physical reason that's preventing him from talking properly. That's going to be done in a couple of weeks.

And then we get to start transition planning. In 6 months, we're going to be introduced to the liason for the school system. They'll do another evaluation to see if he still qualifies for services (that would be at preschool level). If he doesn't he'll be exited from the program and if he does then they'll work with us to write up an IEP. And I imagine they will have some other things that we'll have to do. But that's all in the future.

Two perfect children... just a little bit imperfect in their own ways but as far as I'm concerned, still perfect.

What if I can never get over the feeling that my body has failed me?

2010-04-23T09:40:00.001-04:00

That question has sat in the back of my mind for years now. It still plagues me today and the fact that I have to stop having children (whether I want to or not) only makes that question more pertinent. Because my body just doesn't work. First it doesn't want to get pregnant and then it doesn't want to stay that way. What kind of a rotten deal is that? I mean, I have 4 children but I'll only ever see 2 of them grow up because 2 of them died because my body failed. I had to take all kinds of drugs because my body failed. Hell, even while I was pregnant the second time, I spent most of my pregnancy injecting myself with huge needles and thick oil with hormones in it because my body keeps failing. How exactly is this fair? It completely kills a person's self esteem and leaves them feeling like a failure. This was supposed to be easy.

Inevitably, that one question leads to dozens of others. What if I passed this hell down to my daughter? What if I drive my children nuts hovering over them so that I know they're safe? What if I accidentally get pregnant and have to choose if I should try and have that baby? What if I died while trying another pregnancy? What if I lived but that baby didn't?

But there's a positive to all of this and ultimately that's where I'm trying to go. What if it doesn't matter? What is the end result is that the journey is, in many ways, over. And the result of that is two beautiful, healthy children. Does it make a difference how they got here? I'm starting to believe the answer is no. The journey was long, hard and unexpected. It was unfair and mean. But I can't focus on the journey for the rest of my life. The point of all of this wasn't the journey. It was the end result and that end result is a fairy tale of sorts. Fairy tales have scary moments when you think the bad guy will win but a fairy tale has a happy ending.

I'm starting to see that happy ending.

Infertility 101
Take Charge - National Infertility Awareness Week
The Complete What If List

Vacations

2010-04-18T18:36:00.000-04:00

So we haven't had a vacation for quite some time... well, no that's not entirely true. We went to my mom and dad's last summer (trip to Boston) which rocked. And before the boy was born we spent a weekend in Atlanta which was really fun. But honestly, for me, the definition of a vacation is that you are going somewhere new and/or vacation-y. The last one of those would be our trip to England in 2007. Which was awesome but it's not likely we'll be making any huge travel plans any time soon with a newborn and all.

So yesterday we were in a bookstore and I saw a book on Washington D.C. with kids. Now, I have never been to D.C. It's not really far from here, but it's certainly a new place and so would completely qualify. Hopefully the book will yield some wonderful ideas.

I amanxiously plotting in my head when our next Disney trip will be. The last time we were there was 2006 and a lot changes there in 4 years. That may be an option next summer if we're both employed again (I really hope so or we'll have some much bigger issues to deal with).

I miss vacations. Here's to hoping that we get to do some travelling soon.

The truth...

2010-04-14T19:25:00.003-04:00

I have in fact met 3 of the 6 presidents who have been in office during my life. No, I won't tell you how old I am. You can do the math and get a range of ages if you really want to know.

So, who? The first was Ronald Reagan, who I met as a girl scout. I don't remember much about the circumstances quite frankly. And all that was said was "Nice to meet you." (by him - I said nothing). The second was George Bush (the senior, obviously). I was in Boston while he was campaigning (the second time) and while I am not a republican, the idea of meeting the man was intriguing. The last was Bill Clinton who I met during his second time campaigning for president. I would point out that while none of these meetings was incredibly long or for anything terribly important -

how many presidents have you met?

That was my reply to the one person who ever listened to the above schpiel (I've gone through this for a few of those "meet and learn" things that teachers sometimes do and we always seemed to have to do at the beginning of education classes) and seemed to think (based on their tone of vocie) that I should have had a much better story. I said I met them. I didn't say we were close personal friends, for crying out loud.

Curious why this is here? Read here.

It is decided that there will not be any more children for us. Two angels and two partial placental abruptions make me think we've played the luck card enough. Next time it could be a total placental abruption and I don't think it's fair to risk my life or the life of that child. I would like more kids, to be honest though. But I can't do it. I just can't.

Surprisingly, I do NOT want to make this decision permanent. Since my husband is as likely to see a doctor as I would be to jump out of a perfectly good airplace (ain't happenin', just so you know - and yet he's jumped out of said airplane. Go figure.) this is all in my court. Common sense tells me to make this permanent and eliminate the chance of oops. But I can't. I have no idea why, but I can't. So I'll pick a less permanent (and more risky method... maybe an IUD? minimize the risk as much as possible?) method. I'll have to give some thought as to why though... Any ideas?

Musings on quads

2010-04-12T09:25:00.002-04:00

If you have read back far enough in this blog, you know that my very first pregnancy started out as quads and that very early on two babies were lost (think 9 weeks and earlier). At the time, this didn't phase me much as I still had twins and jeez, I can't fathom trying to carry quads. Of course, you would also know how badly that pregnancy ended at just past 20 weeks, losing both boys and ending my very first pregnancy with zero babies to take home. In the past few years, I've had time to wonder about all 4 of those babies. While my boys are the most real to me, having held them in my arms, it has also occured to me that those other 2 were there... who were they.

And it occured to me suddenly the other day - I have them, both of them. I think that explains my sense of contentment and completion to some extent. I have held all 4 of my angels. It's like two of them knew things were going to end badly and they decided they needed to try later. Three boys and a girl. Those are my quads. It's a wierd thing to say or even think but in my heart, it makes sense. Four little souls. Two angels for the two on earth.

I wish we were getting to walk this year. I finally feel ready to have all four of my babies walked for. I really can't imagine taking the girl though. That's a lot of people (hence a lot of germs) and I don't want to expose her to that yet. Of course, I'll be exposing her to daycare soon enough, but that's a different post for later. There's always next year though. If you get an opportunity, support a March for Babies walker.

After a long hiatus...

2010-04-04T11:27:00.004-04:00

I needed a break of sorts, I suppose. I'm going to start this up again and hopefully be able to update it once a week. We shall see!

The irony of starting again on Easter... I'm not Christian, of any sort so religiously the holiday means little to me but the fact that it's about resurection has not escaped me. So we'll resurect the blog and see how it goes.

The crazy little boy has had way to much candy given to him. We'll have to ration that out pretty slowly or he'd try and eat it all at once. The teeny one is to small to eat solid anything yet, so there's no worry about her candy consumption. There probably won't be to much worry about it at the next candy fest (aka Halloween!) either. The boy though... he'll be all over that.

I think that the candy plaed in comparison to the toys though. He got 3 cars - 2 different Lightning McQueens and a Mater. He has carried them all over the house this morning. We really need to find him a couple of other movies though, cause Cars is getting old. Not that I mind his Disney addiction, but there are others... and we need to start watching some of the others. Before Mommy loses it! I can recite parts of the movie verbatim. I know it's a phase and he'll grow out of it, but still.

Last post of 08

2008-12-31T16:36:00.001-05:00

We start swim lessons on the 10th. I will post the details, I promise. Christmas was good. There were presents, food and friends. I doubt one needs much more than that. Let's see what 2009 can bring us...

Aeden 1, Cheerios 1

2008-11-26T15:16:00.002-05:00

Aed managed to pick up Cheerios this morning, using a pincer grip, i.e. between his thumb and finger. He also managed to successfully get several in his mouth. We still need to work on our hand to mouth coordination apparently.

3 teeth and counting...

Christmas Lists

2008-11-06T18:43:00.002-05:00

What I want for Aeden (cause he doesn't want anything yet!):
If You Give A Mouse A Cookie
Harold and the Purple Crayon
Where The Wild Things Are
The Day I Swapped My Dad for Two Goldfish
Little People (mostly for as he gets older, but before he turns 1)

What Aeden Needs:
Pajamas (9-12 months, or just 12 months)
6-12 month socks
Pants 12 month
A Pair of Shoes (sneaker type, preferably... size 3 maybe?)

What Mom Wants:
Wall-E
New Kids On The Block album
The Tales of Beedle the Bard (by JK Rowling)

Tooth #1

2008-10-21T20:12:00.003-04:00

We have a tooth, which I imagine accounts for the crankiness of the past several days, possibly even weeks. Hopefully we manage a good night of sleep out of this before we start again. And there are... 20?... of these that need to come in. So we only have 19 left...!?!?! Gah!

Ren Faire 08

2008-10-19T16:06:00.002-04:00

It was an interesting day. Aed had a good time, I think. He got to see sheep, goats, a cow, a horse and some geese. He was more interested in the big umbrellas that were the animal's shade though. He squealed over the elephant. Basically, the colors were what got him. He seemed amazed at the number of people and was a bit annoyed with the rough terrain. A good day, for sure.

October

2008-10-01T20:56:00.002-04:00

It's already October. It seems like it was just January but here it is 10 months later. My 5 month old is nuts. He's got a killer smile. And he still has blue eyes. I'm thinking that they're staying. Common word seems to be that if they were going to turn darker they would have started to already. But they're still a deep slate blue color. Very pretty. Very Irish. Especially with the blond hair and the pale skin like Mommy. I've been told he still looks like me, despite the differences in hair and eye color. It's cute.

He has an enormous fascination with his feet. He's pretty good at holding them, especially when you're trying to change his diaper. This, obviously, makes changing a diaper fairly tricky but it makes him happy. The simple stuff, I guess.

He can also sit up by himself. Not straight upright, but he holds himself up with his hands and as long as he doesn't try to lean to far to one side he's good. I have a baby who's very interested in his world. He's getting bigger. It's pretty awesome.

Food stuffs

2008-09-23T19:43:00.002-04:00

So far, we are fans of sweet potato, peas, prunes, pears and green beans. Carrots, not so much. I'm still trying though, since I find that odd. Next on the list is either banana or peach. Probably the peach though since it took him a couple of days to poop this time and I want to avoid constipating type foods for awhile. This kid definitely likes his food though. He was screaming at me today as I ate dinner in between his green bean. Cause I wasn't feeding him. I only let him have half a Gerber container (about a tablespoon, I guess) at a time. I think he'd eat a whole one if I let him. Technically he gets a whole one a day since Madelaine gives him something for breakfast and I give him something for dinner. My goal is to go through all the available flavors and find out what he likes and dislikes (not much so far) and then we'll look at increasing portion sizes and adding stuff together. Earth's Best has some really awesome flavor combos.

On the adult side, my new crockpot is da bomb!

Food!!

2008-09-01T14:28:00.002-04:00

Cereal and sweet potato are apparently popular with small blond haired little boys. As an aside, he has also grown into 6 month clothes. If he keeps going like this by the time he's one he'll be wearing 2T clothes.

Growing...

2008-08-11T17:17:00.002-04:00

Actually, outgrowing would be more appropriate. Aeden is up to almost 16 pounds. Yes, 16 pounds. He's now in size 3 diapers, almost out of 3-6 month clothes and can no longer sleep in his bassinet since he's over the weight limit. He's a very happy baby who is kind of sleeping. I try to get him in bed by 7 but I may push that back to 8 to see if he'll sleep a little longer in the morning (allowing me to maximize my sleep before work). He gets up 2-3 times during the night to eat. He's also getting strong - he can sit up with help and likes to stand up (with help, obviously). He also loves his exersaucer because he can stand up. Plus it has a a rattle that he can roll, which he's quite intrigued by.

He has this reddish blond hair and slate grey eyes that show no sign of changing color so he may have blue eyes yet.

Been meaning to post this

2008-08-01T20:07:00.003-04:00

Aeden is an Earth Rat - born in the Chinese year of the Rat, first of the 12 Chinese animals. What this means (no I'm not taking this to seriously, just found it interesting and want to preserve it):

Rats are lively and need a lot of mental and physical stimulation
Rats are intelligent, curious and creative
Earth adds solidity to the personality. An Earth Rat is conventional and a good achiever who likes to establish roots early in order to make a secure future for himself and his family. These Rats have the typical Rat ingenuity and mental capacity, but a strong sense of reality often alludes them preventing them from going after anything that could be impromptu. Earth Rats are honorable and love to be stabilized. Slowly and steadily acquiring wealth gives them a sense of inner peace. Although they are capable of being stingy with their finances, they do possess warm feelings for their family and friends.

Since Rats are born under the same Animal sign, they often share likes and dislikes.
Following are similar likes and dislikes of the Rats personality:
Rats Like:
Color Preference: Light-Blue
Gems and Stones: Diamond, Amethyst
Gifts: car accessories, art books, gym memberships, geographical maps
Hobbies and Pastimes: Interior design, playing basketball, crafts, painting
Rats' Dislike: Doing without things they want, strict time keeping, any routines, being at the end of the line

Travel delights the Rat personality and ignites his curiosity. Sunbathing is not the ideal way for a Rat to spend his vacation. Rats are adventurers. They want to explore, examine, visit and party during their time off. They want to try new foods, find new sights and experience the culture of the area they are visiting. And, of course, if they can come home with an exotic souvenir to add to their collection their vacation will have been an instant success.

This lovely info comes from this site: http://www.usbridalguide.com/special/chinesehoroscopes/Rat.htm

If you're curious, I'm a Fire Dragon which is apparently extra special in the Chinese world. :D

Books we need to get...

2008-07-31T13:12:00.002-04:00

So I don't forget:
Make Way for Ducklings
Where the Wild Things Are
If You Give a Mouse a Cookie

Smile!

2008-07-14T16:54:00.001-04:00

smile
Originally uploaded by Malkavian513

He is too cute. Yes, I'm his Mommy and have to say that but look at that face and tell me he's not cute. Go on. Can't do it, can you?

2 months

2008-07-08T12:41:00.002-04:00

He's up to 12 lbs, 12 ozs and 22 inches. His weight has gone from 25th percentile to 75th percentile, which means he heavier than 75% of babies his age. Quite a jump. He got his vaxes, which he greatly disliked (don't blame him there). He also got his first Tylenol (grape flavored, yum). I'm working on getting him onto more of a schedule and trying to space out his feeding a little more. He's already outgrown most of his 0-3 month stuff. A few things still fit, mostly Carter's and Children's Place which seem to run bigger than average. I went through my stash and pulled out all his 3-6 month clothes so now we have all new outfits to try. As he outgrows things they're being passed on to some friends of ours who're having a little boy in about 3 months, I think.

I have roughly 6 more weeks of vacation before school starts again. Fortunately, I found a really nice woman in our neighborhood who's agreed to watch him this year - for only $100/wk! We'll reevaluate next year because she wants to go back to school so she might not be able to watch him next year but we'll cross that bridge then.

Suh-weet!

2008-07-01T11:45:00.001-04:00

I fit into size 12 clothes again! This is a joyous occasion to be celebrated. A little bit more and I'll be back in my regular clothes, hopefully before school starts so I don't need to go buy pants to wear to work.

Tales from the sleep deprived

2008-06-21T15:18:00.002-04:00

I thought I'd take a moment while Aed's asleep to update the blog. There's also a good thunder storm brewing outside. That's actually why I'm not sleeping myself - I'd rather stay up and listen to it. They've been pretty rare so far and I'm enjoying this one.

As of Sunday, Aed (no longer a peanut) will be 7 weeks old. Of course he's got 2 weeks to go until 2 months, so the week/month measurements aren't working so well anymore. I guess I need to get used to saying I have a 1 1/2 month old and in 2 weeks I can say I have a 2 month old. Hopefully a 2 month old who will sleep. He's had some sleeping issues, mostly due to digestive issues. He has some terrible gas that has been happily rectified by some prescription gas drops. Those Mylicon drops were a joke and the gripe water helped if the gas was in his tummy, but a burp also helps that and it wasn't doing much for the gas that slipped into his intestines. But we've got that all worked out. Now all we need to do is get him to space out the eating... or slow down some. The kid is already over 10 pounds, which means he's nearly double his birth weight. At 2 months. My book asks if they've done that by 6 months (heh, we beat that milestone). I'm trying to very slowly space out his feedings. I've gotten then out to 2 hours apart again and we're very slowly working toward 3. Actually, since he's sleeping, we may easily get to 3 hours.

I've also gotten him sleeping better. We had a marathon sleep yesterday (me and Aeden). Aeden slept pretty much all day to catch up. Mommy slept most of the day, broken by the door bell (lousy postwoman). He's much less fussy (or cranky) when he's not sleep deprived. So's Mommy, actually.

As far as physical development, he seems to be going on schedule as if he was born on time. He can hold his head up on his own and lifts his chest if he's placed on his tummy. The head can be a little wobbly but overall he's doing well. He also likes to push his feet down and if you put his feet on a surface he'll fake walk. He'll try and take steps, until he collapses his legs, which I've turned into a game by giggling at him when he falls and teasing him. I haven't seen a full on smile yet but he smiles really cute in his sleep. His sleep isn't really great but he does ok for the most part. I just wish that he would learn to poop effectively so I could stop having to get up at 5 am every day.

There are new pics up for those of you with the link to the pics. He has chipmunk cheeks now. His hair seems to be staying as well. I thought by now it would have started to fall out, but not yet. So for now, I have a blond haired baby with grey eyes (lol).

In a couple of months we'll start looking at baby cereal. By the time we get to Thanksgiving, he should be eating pureed stuff. Can you say sweet potato?

One month

2008-06-04T16:14:00.002-04:00

As of today, Aeden weighs 8lbs, 10ozs. That's a total gain of 2lbs and 14ozs since he was born. He is also 21 1/4 inches long, up from 19 1/2 at birth. Smaller gain but still a gain. He also miraculously slept last night for two 3 1/2-4 hour stretches.

He can grab. And he does - anything and everything in his reach: hair, the side of his changing table, blankets, clothing, glasses, cats...

He can also smile. Usually as he's falling asleep he'll grin. He's plotting something... perhaps world domination. He sleeps a lot but has more stretches of being awake. He can roll himself onto his side but hasn't figured out yet that he has to move his arm in order to make it all the way over.

Say what?!

2008-06-02T16:08:00.002-04:00

I got the bill from Presbyterian for Aeden's NICU stay. Keep in mind he was there for 6 days. Just 6 days. The grand total?

$14,111.80

$2351.97 per day.

$98 per hour.

Wow.

4 weeks

2008-05-31T17:22:00.002-04:00

Somehow I have had Aeden for 4 weeks (almost a whole month). He should have been here for 2 days, and I've had him for 4 weeks... can you tell I'm a little bit in awe? I've been Mommy for 4 weeks. After trying for so long and losing the twins and the desperate feelings I had that I'd never get a baby. Now I've got him and he's something else. That's not a bad thing. I think it would be easier if he would sleep or eat a little bit more at a time but we're working on this and heading toward a state of being where I can be conscious even though I'm sleeping very odd hours. For example, I now get up somewhere between 4 and 6 daily. I guess I can consider this practice for when school starts again. Hopefully this trend won't continue forever... actually, eventually he'll be a teenager someday and we all know that they routinely sleep until noon.

If you're so inclined...

2008-05-30T20:50:00.002-04:00

If you come across coupons for any of the following and don't need them, I'd love to have them!
Pampers Diapers
Huggies Wipes
Gerber... well anything (baby food, cereal, pacis, etc)
Johnson's baby lotion
Johnson's head to toe baby wash
Johnson's good night lotion/baby wash

Thank you!

We are 2 1/2 weeks old

2008-05-22T14:13:00.002-04:00

Gee... that seems to be old. I mean, we were just in the NICU a little more than a week ago. And ironically, we still haven't hit his due date. That's still a week away.

I miss sleep. Lots. But we did better last night. We were in bed around 10:30. We got up at 1, were up for half an hour to eat and change the diaper. We got up again around 4 and were up for an hour. Then we got up at 6. At which point mommy caved and laid the peanut down with us instead of in his bed. And slept until 8:30. I call that successful. For now.

At the pediatrician's Monday, his weight was 6lbs, 11ozs. So he's gained almost a pound from birth. More than that by now. We see lactation again on Tuesday and get another weight. The pediatrician sees him again on June 4th. Mommy goes to her doctor a week later for my post partum visit.

If you're curious, when he was born I weighed 190. Yesterday, I weighed 165, which means I need to lose 15 pounds to get to where I was when we started this adventure.

2nd lesson learned

2008-05-15T08:39:00.002-04:00

The first lesson was learned in the NICU - any child not wearing a diaper WILL poop on you. And the floor.

Second lesson, learned last night. It is entirely possible for a child to wet his diaper so much that it leaks in a very short period of time. This results in a cranky baby with wet clothes.

*sigh*

Joy

2008-05-12T08:18:00.002-04:00

My little Peanut is home with me, which is wonderful. We're working on the routine. Currently there isn't one. He eats when he's hungry (always), he poops a lot, and sleeps when he wants to. He is by far the best mother's day present anyone could ask for. :)

Welcome to the world, Peanut!

2008-05-09T06:46:00.002-04:00

This is late, but it's the first time I've had a moment to sit down and type it out. My little Peanut, Aeden, was born on Sunday (almost a week ago now!). He was 3 1/2 weeks early and we have one heck of a story to go with it.

When I woke up that morning, I felt fine. I ate some cereal and sat down at the computer. After sitting there for awhile, a realized I was having cramping but as that had been happening for awhile I kind of ignored it. But by an hour or so more, I realized that it was pretty regular cramping. So I started to time it. But the contraction were irregular in length and spaced out irregularly so I immediately thought that it wasn't going to happen anytime soon. They'd have to be more regular and longer. I ended up getting into a bath to try and ease the pain up some... Heh. That didn't work. In fact, while I was in the tub they got much more intense - still not regular but OMG, intense. I called my OB's nurse line and after Chris talked to her for a little while (and I tried to not throw up) it was decided I was going to the hospital. Clearly something was going on.

The ride there was eventful. It's a 45 minunte drive that got made longer by a house falling off a truck and closing the main road we use to get to the hospital. So we had to back track and go around. I have no clue how long the trip took, other than way to long (for my taste, anyway). We got to the hospital and checked in and the nurses put me in triage... and kind of forgot about me. It might have gotten busy and, again I have no time frame for how long anything really took, but eventually in the middle of a contraction, I asked Chris to go find a nurse cause I had a strong pressure that was heading toward push... cause as it turned out I was 7 cm dialated. They moved me really quickly into a birthing room thinking that I was giving birth soon. I decided I needed something to try and dull the pain. The nurse gave me some IV drugs and for awhile those worked beautifully. Except that it started to wear off and when they checked again, I was still only 7 cm. At that point, epidural was considered and I decided it might be a good idea. They called for the anesthesiologist, checked me again (8 1/2??) and then my water broke. Well, the pressure was gone but wow did those contractions get worse. The miracle worker arrived and put in an epidural (that I never felt) and almost instantly I felt better.

I wanted to push and there was some debate about how dialated I really was but eventually we decided to try pushing. And we got nowhere. He'd move a little and then stop. And move a little and stop, almost like he was stuck. As it turned out, he wasn't stuck per say but had put his head down on his shoulder and was coming sideways down the birth canal, plus he was face up when he should have been face down. There was a lot of concern though because we didn't know about the sideways part yet and I wasn't making much progress. We discussed options - csection (I so did not want that!), forceps or vacuum. We moved to the OR as a just in case scenario and tried the vacuum. And at 6:00 pm (18:00 hours!) I got him out. It was a TON of work (for both of us). He cried right away so he was breathing (YAY!) and they took him to a warmer to evaluate him. His first APGAR was a 4 (not so hot) but by about 30 minutes later he was an 8, so much better. They brought him to me (as I was being stitched up - I got a 2nd degree tear and was having IV fluids due to the amount of blood I lost). It turns out that in addition to all the problems he was having moving, there was also a placental abruption, where the placenta starts to come away from the uterus and 25% of the placenta had detached. That's probably why labor was triggered to begin with.

Aeden went to the NICU. He been there since, having a rough time getting everything sorted out. He had an IV in for awhile for feedings but he's eating now and his IV is out. The only thing left to clear up is some jaundice. Hopefully, today his bilirubin level will come down enough for the doctor to try a rebound and see if the jaundice comes back. If it doesn't he'll be home this weekend. Otherwise he'll go back under the lights. I really want him home, but more than that, I want him healthy so he stays, even though it's killing me to leave him there. He's beautiful, precious, perfect. Everything a mommy could want.

Update-y-ness

2008-04-28T20:32:00.003-04:00

So, we have gotten out of the worried phase (the doctor's have anyway, I wasn't worried). I went to the doctor's on Friday, expecting a normal appointment. Hah! Yeah, right...

All the swelling is pretty much gone. This was good. The blood pressure wasn't good. I don't know why it goes up and down the way it does. I'm weird, I suppose. At any rate, the first reading they got was 136/100. That was kind of high, so they checked it again at the end of the appointment and got 130/92. Lower, but still not good, by whatever standard they were using (I don't think that it's that horrible, but what do I know?). So, I got sent over to the hospital where I laid for nearly 4 hours. They monitored the baby (who was just peachy) and took blood pressure readings (which were all normal) and took a whole lot of blood (there were 8 vials when all was said and done) and had me pee in a cup AGAIN (I had just gone at the beginning of the appointment). After laying there for awhile, they decided I was fine (duh) and could go home (thank you!). But first I had to get instructions on collecting pee for 24 hours. Yeah, you don't want to have to do that, ever. The final remark on my discharge papers (I was admitted for 'observation') was bedrest. Hahahahahahaha... I had to drive back to the hospital the next day to return the pee. So yeah, that was really restful. And then, I had to go back this morning for a non stress test at the doctor's office (so much for resting).

So they monitored the baby some more (still just peachy). My blood pressure was 120/71 (don't ask me why it does these things... just to be difficult, I guess). That was it. Happily, now I don't have to go back until next Monday. That will get us into May (woohoo, baby month!).

I have instructed the peanut that he would, in fact, make a wonderful mother's day present, if he was so inclined. We shall see...

Oh, ouch

2008-04-22T20:01:00.002-04:00

So now that I have nothing better to do all day than lie here with my feet up, I am acutely aware of how much pain my back and hips are in. Can I say not good? Owwwwww....

34 weeks 3 days

2008-04-21T15:07:00.001-04:00

34 weeks 3 days
Originally uploaded by Malkavian513

Hey look - it's a gigantic belly. How about that...

Day 1 of no more work

2008-04-21T09:01:00.002-04:00

I went to the doctor Friday and the baby looks good. I, however, don't look so good. My bp was 120/92 (yes, 92) and I had a lot of swelling. My doctor didn't like that at all. So much so that she told me I'm not going to work anymore. So, here I am, at home at 9am on a Monday morning. I actually got up this morning and had to go in to fill out paperwork. That was all good because I should get paid most if not all of the time I will miss between my saved sick time and any donated sick time (fingers crossed here). So, yay for good news. I put together the work for today and took a good chunk of stuff home with me. That way I can do the notes for the rest of the week and each week after that while I sit here doing... nothing. If I have anything of interest to share (and I'm sure I will) I'll update. :)

Adventures in cleaning

2008-03-27T14:32:00.003-04:00

I've cleaned half of my house. I still have to go through the living room and kitchen (yes, I left the worst two for last!) and I need to vaccuum the baby's room and finish picking up in there. I got rid of all the boxes though, which is nice. I went through my closet and got rid of things that I never wore or barely fit before I got pregnant the first time (which means I may never fit in them again) and kept the things that make me really happy/comfy. This has left me with a few extra hangers. I'll probably go through the movies tomorrow and books to send anything that I don't want along with the clothes to Goodwill. I also have to make sure I get rid of all the cat fur in the baby's room (which isn't to bad and is only in a few places. All I need to get at this point is a mattress and a breast pump and I'll have everything that the kid could possibly need for awhile.

Our vacation was nice. There will be pictures later.

Bug Update

2008-03-18T22:21:00.002-04:00

Currently, we think he weighs about 3 1/2 pounds. Now, this is not exact and could be off by a pound in either direction. I am really hoping he decides to slow down on the growth just a little. We still have 10 weeks left! He's also practice breathing, which is apparently, a little ahead of schedule. But it seems he's getting a little ahead of me - I'm 29 weeks and 5 days today. He measured at 30 weeks 1 day. Not a huge difference, but in the 6 weeks since we last saw him on u/s he's gotten ahead. There are also small changes in my cervix. It's still plenty long enough, at 4 1/2 cm, but it's actually lost a little length, because we started at 5.2 cm. As long as we're over 3 cm, it's all good. But the change means that my cervix is getting started with the shortening, which if the kid is coming out, obviously needs to happen. My doctor said that doesn't usually start until 33 weeks, but mine's already started. This makes me wonder if he'll be like his mom and decide to be a little on the early side. He's also flipped himself head down. Hopefully he decides to stay that way. The kicks are easier to deal with up into my ribs than down into my poor bladder. I have an u/s picture, but I have not scanned it. It's also not real good cause he wanted to put his hands up over his face the whole time... gee, that sounds like grandma.

Mini vacation

2008-03-12T19:47:00.003-04:00

Over spring break we're going to go to Atlanta. We're spending 2 days, and we're going to see: http://www.georgiaaquarium.org/, http://www.zooatlanta.org/home.htm (where they have a 2 year old baby giant panda bear!), and http://www.woccatlanta.com/. And we're going to have dinner at: http://www.emerils.com/restaurants/atlanta_emerils/. That should make for a nice couple of days. Hopefully it's not to hot.

Oh yeah, and spring break is only one week from tomorrow!

Homeschooling and why it may not be as great as it sounds

2008-03-08T18:33:00.002-05:00

First off, this post is spawned by this article:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/03/07/MNJDVF0F1.DTL
Now, California has some very different regulations from other states mandating what is required to obtain a teaching crediential and as such may not be the best example in the world to use here, but they're the people doing it and so, here goes.

First of all, I applaud what California is trying to do, although I think some of their reasoning is flawed. This is not to say that they have chosen a bad reason (to be able to monitor all children more closely for abuse) but rather that the reason they have chosen may eventually shoot themselves in the foot. Because there are very real reasons why homeschooling needs to be more closely mandated. As far as I know, in most every state, in order to homeschool you esentially set yourself up as a private school. Private schools are not regulated by the current public school standards which say that, to teach you must have a teacher's license issued by that state. Most people look at this and go "So what?".

Have you ever heard of "unschooling"? It's a concept that essentially says that children will learn what they need to if you just let them go about their own merry way. And hordes of people buy into this concept. And their children spend their days watching tv, playing video games and pretty much being children. So, what exactly does one learn by watching tv and playing video games? Well, I'm not sure either but I know it can't be much because I've seen plenty of video games in my time and watched plenty of tv (and avoid many shows now, for that reason). Unless you're only allowing your children to watch the Discovery Channel, the Science Channel or the local college tv programs I can pretty much guarantee that they aren't learning much.

Yes, this is legitimately allowed to go on. I can point you in the direction of people who do it. And, in fact, think it is the best thing in the world, because the public schools suck.

Well, you won't hear me argue otherwise. The public school system is in a right state. No Child Left Behind has destroyed anything that may have otherwise been left in the school systems that were good. Teachers are forced to teach to tests, even though the makers of said tests swear that's not their goal. Tell me, when your job is dependent upon the test scores your students produce what are you going to do: Teach creative and useful things that aren't being tested or make damn sure you try and drill into their tiny little heads exactly what the state says will show up on that test. In any other arena, this would not be a hard decision. Why would anybody think that teachers would react any differently? We want our jobs as much as the corporate muckity muck does. It's human nature.

There are a million other problems that teachers face. Parents who don't care or expect the school to discipline their children. I've had parents tell me over the phone "What do you want me to do about it? I can't control him/her." Verbatim. Parents who don't take the time to pay any attention to their children - like their kids are simply an accessory they take out for show. Do you think those kids care? Kids whose parents encourage doing the bare minimum. "Look mom, I got a C!". "Oh great job honey - here's a new car!". Yes, that happens too. Kids who are only in school to sell drugs. No, I'm not kidding. This list could go on and on and on. My point? Sure there are crappy teachers. There are crappy doctors, crappy lawyers, crappy executives, crappy mechanics, crappy insurance salesmen. Why would teaching be an exception?

The things I've heard people say about teachers astounds me to no end.
"It's easy to be a teacher!" (Yeah right. You try it.)
"They get the whole summer off." (True, but not a good reason to be a teacher.)
"Anybody can be a teacher, those tests are so easy." (Depends on the person, in my opinion.)
"I spent time correcting my teacher all the time. All they do is read out of a book and they read it wrong most of the time." (If you really think that this is how teachers are trained to teach... well, I don't know what to say to you. If it makes you feel any better, I didn't even HAVE books for the first part of the year, so I guess I just stood up there and made things up until I had books.)

I would defy most people to walk into a classroom of 25 kids and teach them. I bet that most people would be floored by what they found. In fact, most of the people I see criticizing teachers haven't been in a classroom since they were a student. They have no idea what goes on in one or why. But they have an awful lot of critiques. If you asked the general public, most people would probably tell you how easy teachers have it. If that's true, why is there a shortage of teachers? Walk into any high school and ask the principal of the school if they have an abundance of teachers. They'll probably laugh at you. Sure, some areas have plenty of teachers. There are a lot of social studies and english teachers. If you can find me an unemployed math or science teacher who isn't unemployed VOLUNTARILY (or was fired for some egregious offense), I'd be amazed.

The general public has a severe misunderstanding of teaching and teachers and if they think the solution is simply to teach their kids at home we are going to be a very interesting looking country in 20 years.

It's things like this that make me wonder why I don't go work in a lab. At least there my skills would be valued. Because as a teacher nobody (parents, children or bystanders) values my worth. Why in the hell would anybody want a job like that?

Grumble

2008-03-07T16:39:00.001-05:00

Why, oh why, will the monitoring system for absences not let me enter my maternity leave? I can't fathom this... Stupid computer. And then, I tried to do it online but apparently the online version only works with Internet Explorer 4.0. Oh yeah, you read that right - version 4.0. Why does the universe do things like this to me? I'll have to wait until Monday to figure out why the stupid thing hates my absence and won't let it exist.

It has come to my attention...

2008-03-06T20:25:00.000-05:00

that my blog doesn't get used much. It should get used more, as it's a very useful little blog. And now that I only have 12 weeks left before the little Bug is born, well, it seems more than safe to go back to writing. I've been very reluctant to write because I was terrified I'd jinx myself somehow. Don't ask me how. But now we're into the third trimester. And lo and behold, I'm still pregnant. Believe me, the kid won't let me forget it. :D

Now there is some confusion in my brain. Mainly trying to accept the fact that there is, in fact, a child in there. And he's mine. And oh yeah, in 3 months he'll be coming home with me. This is a startling revelation to a person who was convinced that she would never get near this day. Now I'm trying to figure out when my mom should come down and if I have enough baby clothes and if I have all the things we'll need. Everybody has a different opinion about what you need and don't need to have a happy baby. I have a feeling that the kid will let us know exactly what makes him happy though. For that reason, I'm holding off on buying anything like bouncy seats or swings until he gives me a hint as to what he prefers. I'd rather not spend the money just to find out that he hates swings and would rather have a bouncy seat.

I'm also still trying to figure out this boy thing. I'm not sure I know what to do with a boy. I mean, my husband doesn't do the football thing (thank God!) but that doesn't help, really. All the experience I have with boys to this point, is really high school boys. They're pretty much asses from what I've seen. Ok, this isn't true of ALL high school boys (and I hope it's not true of mine) but a large majority of them certianly are. It's quite annoying. Plus, I keep forgetting that my son is not going to be quite like most of the kids around here, if he's at all like his mom and dad. Cause his mom and dad are geeks, to put it bluntly. Role-playing, Disney loving geeks. Who don't watch football or basketball. And don't hunt. We are ren faire, D&D loving, once larpers who have a very... different view of the world. Hopefully this rubs off on him and he becomes a Star Wars loving, Harry Potter reading wierdo.

Actually, I think nothing would make me happier. Now break out the Little People and the Duplo blocks. Those, I can work with.

Ah, the interesting-ness of it all

2008-02-15T21:54:00.000-05:00

So, as of Sunday NASCAR is running again. This is good, although it will also be interesting as we will have a bunch of people (don't ask me for a total) in our house. According to Chris, there is one redneck who is also a Jimmie Johnson fan (blech!), as well as a lover of Jeff Gordon and Miller Lite plus Chris, the Tony Stewart fan. This, of course, means that most likely Junior will win the race just to bug all of them. I don't really care who wins (cause we all know that it won't be Jamie unless there's divine intervention!) but there will be food. Food is always a good thing. And I'll be able to snack. Since Bug is still determined to squish both my lungs and stomach snacking is a wonderful thing!

Bug at 24 weeks

2008-02-08T16:11:00.001-05:00

Bug 24 weeks
Originally uploaded by Malkavian513

This is Bug as of yesterday. All (roughly) 1 1/2 pounds of him. He was entirely uncooperative in that he would not move his arm and allow a better picture to be taken of him. In all other respects however, he is good. He measured exactly 24 weeks, just like me and seems to be perfect in all respects. He has, for some odd reason, decided to cram himself into the upper half of my uterus however and stay there, leaving the lower half entirely unoccupied except for a placenta. There's no reason for this, other than he's a boy and he will do what he wants. He's also laying transverse (not head down and not head up but rather sideways) although that's not an issue because he has plenty of time to figure out that he needs to turn his stubborn little self downwards.

So that's 24 weeks down and 16 weeks to go.

All about "Bug"

2008-01-06T12:45:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I've posted but I think it's time to introduce the world to Bug. Bug should be born around May 28th and currently has no name except for Bug. The name comes from my joking around about having a parasite, or in simpler terms a bug. So for now, until he has a name, he's Bug.

Bug is pretty calm. He sleeps most of the day, from what I can tell so far. But when he wants to he's got a mean kick. He also greatly dislikes being squished and will get pretty upset if I don't move after he reminds me of this. Of course, this also means that I'm limited in the positions that I can sit or lie in. I have some pictures of Bug that I'll upload as soon as I get some time.

Remembering lost little ones

2007-10-15T17:32:00.000-04:00

http://www.october15th.com

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is to promote Support, Education and Awareness for grieving parents nationwide (and worldwide).
Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss. Our goal is to help others relate to our loss, know what to say, do or not say, not do and to help families live with their loss, not "get over" their loss.

Your complaint is duly noted. Now please inform somebody who can DO something about it.

2007-10-04T20:41:00.000-04:00

I am annoyed. More than a little, too. I am tired of people accusing the wrong group of people for the ills of the public school students. On an almost daily basis (on message boards, with parents, with general people) I find myself explaining again and again how little control the school have over anything anymore. The principal has very little to do with these decisions you despise. The teachers have even less to do with it. Hell, I'm lucky they still let me do anything. Pretty soon they'll start handing me lesson plans (and everybody else) and saying here it is, now teach this. I can hear you out there too. You're laughing because you think I'm kidding. I'm NOT.

What are these battles about you ask? Here are some examples: A mother is angry because hse gets a form letter from the principal of her child's school informing her that a vacation is not an excused absence, parents asking me if we HAVE to fill out the required paperwork because their chid is not meeting a standard at this point in the year, people talking about how all teachers think learning only happens in a classroom, people complaining that their child has to much homework, people complaining that their child doesn't know basic skills like multiplication... the list goes on. Do you know what all of these things come back to? It's not the teachers or in most cases even the principals. We have standards that we need to meet and those standards come from the state and federal government (you know, No Child Left Behind?). Everything we do goes back to trying to meet those standards and pass the tests that the powers that be set down for us.

We don't get a say in what the test says. In most cases we can't even SEE the test EVER. We don't get a say in what the kids learn, or how fast they learn it. We are required to cover a set amount of material in a set amount of time. If the kids don't get it, I'm sorry but we have to move on. The name of the game is exposure. Why do you think we have elementary school teachers trying to instill the concepts of algebra instead of multiplication tables. They don't test the multiplication tables. They test the algebra. If your school wants money, if you want to keep your job, those test scores better sparkle. If the kids don't actually learn anything, well, we're sorry but that no longer seems to be the point of education.

Are these exceptioanlly gifted teachers out there who can do all of this? I'm sure there are. There's a Bill Gates in every profession. Does that mean that we can all do it? And does that gifted teacher really follow the rules? If you've ever seen Dangerous Minds (the movie) then you've seen one of the examples of an exceptionally gifted and dedicated teacher. Did you know that she doesn't actually teach the curriculum for her given grade level in her classroom? That's right - if her state decided to start testing her students on that curriculum they might not pass. Did they learn? I'm sure they learn a lot from her. The state wouldn't agree though. Problem is, most of us don't have that kind of leeway. Could I take the science curriculum and teach it in a radically different way? You bet I could, but I wouldn't be able to cover all the topics that the kids are tested on and my ass would be in BIG trouble. With a whole lot of people, including my colleagues who wouldn't get a bonus check for meeting the standards the state set for us.

So, here's the point of my rant. If you're reading this and you're unhappy with something your school has done in the form of instruction, form letters or general other things then please gripe to somebody who can DO something about it. That person would be a congressman or senator for your state or your state's education department. Talk to them. They make the bloody rules. Not me.

The big peach one

2007-09-29T10:45:00.001-04:00

sleeping utu
Originally uploaded by Malkavian513

Last but not least is Utu. Asleep. This picture doesn't show how much fur he can shed (in about 3 seconds flat he can shed an entire cat's worth).

An annoyed princess

2007-09-29T10:44:00.001-04:00

annoyed princess
Originally uploaded by Malkavian513

She can be adorable and cuddly. This is the "You are annoying the princess" look.

Kittie Pictures

2007-09-29T10:43:00.001-04:00

ossie
Originally uploaded by Malkavian513

This picture is so awesome, I had to share. So, I figured I'd add one picture of each kittie, since they don't get enough time. This is Ossie, who looks to cute for words in this picture.

Adventures in lizards and cats

2007-09-16T18:08:00.000-04:00

So the little guy above is known as a 5 lined skink. They are the most common lizard in the eastern US. They're fast, small and like to eat crickets. And I have firsthand knowledge of all of this. How you ask?

Chris was away last week at the manager's meeting (and got me a CSI shirt, which rocks!) and of course while he was gone we had an adventure.

I came home Monday to find Ossie staring at the top of the window. This isn't new behavior for him and I just assumed that there was a fly buzzing around up there. I ignored him and turned on Ellen because she had Daniel Radcliffe (aka Harry Potter) on. So I'm watching Dan and Ellen and all of a sudden there's a ruckus behind the tv. What on Earth? I wonder to myself... So I went to go look (fortunately, Ellen and Dan had just finished and gone to commercial) and Ossie is losing his mind. At first it looks like he's trying to get nothing... and then suddenly that little lizard darts across a wire. And Ossie goes after it. And then Utu decides he's going to try too. Let me tell you that these lizards fit in the damndest places!

Now, my husband has a thing for electronics. He loves them almost as much as his wife (possibly more, but I digress). We have a Bose surround sound with a huge tv, a Playstation, XBox 360 and the cable box connected with thousands of wires. All of a suddent he tv goes blank, the sound shuts off and there's still 2 cats and a lizard going crazy. Ok, first things first! Catch the lizard (which I managed to do). Once he was safely contained in a Ziploc container, I moved on the more important things - the tv! It took an hour, a phone call to our friend Matt and a lot of dust removal but finally we had the tv fixed. All of this over a lizard.

The lizard was subsequently released to the yard, a little freaked out but no worse for wear. The cats were extremely disappointed that I let their toy go.

Another doctor's visit

2007-09-05T17:32:00.000-04:00

My hysterosonogram was today and we saw exactly what we expected to see. Nothing. It's all perfectly normal. So now all we can do is keep trying and wait. If my cycles becaome irregular again then we'll do more drugs. Otherwise, we're to try for 6 months and see what happens. Oh, and should I get pregnant she wants to see me a little sooner, I think to get a baseline cervical length. So... yeah, back to waiting.

August was a quiet month

2007-08-31T22:48:00.000-04:00

With that thought, I decided that I'd scribble down some thoughts. Just cause. I am sometimes amazed at the power of simple things. How music can complement your mood or totally change it. How talking to friends can cheer you up. How wondering about people who you don't talk to anymore can consume your thoughts. And actually, that last one has been on my mind the past couple of days.

I had a really large group of friends at one point when I lived in Rhode Island. These people were people that I truly thought would always be there. Certainly some of them were there when I needed somebody. Perhaps, that was their purpose. And yet I still wonder some days. I still think about where they might be, might be doing. They don't seem to wonder about me though, and that makes me question things. What was the relationship really about?

I tried to look some of them up on blogs, but they were all either friends only or there was nothing current there (like posts that were from 3 and 4 years ago). Common sense would say that I should see if there's contact info somewhere, or that I should ask to added as a friend. So why don't I? I think it's mostly the nagging feeling that these are people who made no effort to maintain a friendship when I was only an hour away. What would they really be willing to do at this distance?

Maybe I'm being lazy, but part of me feels like I'm not a hard person to find. If a person wanted to find me then they could, easily. But there's been no effort made on the other side and perhaps I feel a bit slighted. It could be time to let go of the thought that these were people that really mattered.

Then on the other side there are people who do reach out. In fact, most of those people make an effort over several hundred miles and that really means something. In some cases, I can still carry on a conversation even though it's been years since we talked last. This gives me hope.

There are two months left to this year before a new one begins (according to the pagan calendar) and 4 months left to the year, according to the regular calendar. In all cases, a new start is needed. Maybe what I really need to do is make sure that all those chapters are ended before new ones open up.

Or quite possibly, I need a nap. :P

Gah!

2007-08-21T18:06:00.000-04:00

You know what waiting does? It gives your brain every chance to come up with any and every possible scenario from now until fifty years from now. I have far to active an imagination.

Oh, so this is normal?

2007-08-19T22:22:00.000-04:00

My body has decided (all on its own) that it would like to function normally (so far. this could, of course, change at any moment). I am quite happy as well as largely shocked. How it came to this discovery, we may never know. My only hope is that this trend continues.

I'll be waiting to see how long normal holds out, and if it continues for the next 14 or so days then there may yet be sanity in my life. That would be novel.

The tarot reading I did earlier had Death as the present conditions card. No, that doesn't mean I'm going to die. Death represents new beginnings. My outcome card was The Moon. That's interpreted as the completion of a cycle. It would be stellar if that meant that I am starting a new cycle of life. Hopefully this cycle doesn't suck as much. Of course, there's also Halloween in a couple of months. Nothing like a celebration of the dead and new beginnings for starting over, right?

Work tomorrow. My joyous, wonderful summer is over. Upside, I now have a room of my own, for sure, no sharing or anything. Downside, new school, again. More of that starting over joy.

It's bloody brilliant I tell you! (FYI, Stardust rocks - go see it).

Because I've nothing really new to post (and I'm a bit bored), so some word association (snagged from another blog)

2007-08-14T21:50:00.000-04:00

A
Always: remember to call my mom
Average: uh, no I'm not
Annoyance: cats waking me up far to early...
Age: 30
Available: until school starts again and then I have to go work

B
Best Friends: Chris, Kate, Rique
Beer: Guiness might be nice, or a Sam Adams
Birthday: Dec. 26
Boast: I keep secrets (very well, I might add)

C
Crush: Matt Damon and Jamie McMurray (yes, I know they're both famous. What's your point?)
Car: 94 Honda Accord (I love it)
Candy: York Patties
Cry: not much in recent days, but I have been known to, yes.

D
Days: counting them (for numerous things)
Dream: plenty, but only a couple have actually come true so far
Dare: I'm not real big on those
Drug: metformin and advair

E
Easy: cooking is easy
Eggs: doesn't really matter
Email: I can be bad about replying but I like getting them
Envy: those women who get pregnant looking at men

F
Flavors: lime, mint, lobster, peas (not all at once though)
Favorites: books, movies, thunderstorms
Flaws: perfectionism (oh yes, it's a flaw, trust me)
Finicky: depends on what we're discussing

G
Grateful: I have Chris, my mom and dad, 3 brothers and a sister plus a sister-in-;aw and a brother-in-law and a rather large extended family, all of whom love me.
Gifts: I like giving them
Gum: yuck
Gross: cat barf

H
Hair: brown and rather defiant
Height: 5'2"
Happiest: if I had my family nearby - all of them
Hate: drama

I
Ice Cream: oh... something high in calories
Instrument: saxophone
Idols: Don't have one anymore, I don't think
Independence: Am I? Yes.

J
Jewelry: a wedding ring and a watch when I remember it
Jail: somewhere I never want to go
Jenga: that movie was awful
Jammies: are comfy.

K
Kids: Yes, I'd like a few
Karaoke: I don't sing in public
Kiss: my husband, quite often thanks.

L
Longest: month ever
Love: is wonderful
Life: precious
Lost: no, I don't think I am... (am I?)

M
Milk: 1%
Miss: my boys
Movies: Stardust was very good
Memory: I have lots of those

N
Nails: I bite them
No: I don't like that word
Name: Christy
Never: lose hope

O
Ordinary: my life
One phobia: falling
Office: Don't have one. It's called a classroom.

P
Primal urge: Um.....?
Personality: Mine? I don't know. Pretty good, I guess.
Pain: fades with time

Q
Quick or Slow: Quiick would be nice, thanks
Quest: why are we here?

R
Reason to cry: my boys
Reality TV: sucks, quite frankly, except for Hell's Kitchen... Add Gordon Ramsay to the crush list.
Rage: I've experienced it
Regret: You know what? None so far.

S
Song: Nothing in particular
Season: Fall
Shoes: I need new sneakers
Silly: a cat with all 4 feet in the air

T
Time you woke: Today? 8:30
Time now: 10:14 pm
Taste: Well, I'll try almost anything once (note I said ALMOST anything)

U
Undress: to take a shower usually
Unpredictable: life
Unfortunate: That Harry Potter is done
Unforgettable: Several nights with people

V
Vegetables: peas, corn, spinach (when cooked right)
Virgin: not for awhile now
Vacation: That would be nice
Voice: Is fine, except when there are 25 kids yelling over me

W
Worst Habit: biting my nails
Wish: for time to slow down some days
Waste: I try not to
Wander: I've wandered quite far

X
X-Rated: only sometimes
X-Rays: only a few in my life (and hopefully no more)
X-Men: Rogue is cool
X-marks the spot: So where's the map?

Y
Yes: Is that an answer to my question?
Yellow: Sunflowers
Yearn: some answers would be nice

Z
Zoo Animal: do penguins count? if not, tigers.
Zodiac: capricorn or dragon depending on the zodiac
Zzzz: I think I'll go read for awhile first (current read, The Bourne Supremacy. Good so far)

17P (or treating preterm labor with shots!)

2007-08-04T22:41:00.000-04:00

So, I was digging around online, trying to find information on the progesterone that my doctor mentioned at my last visit. Apparently, it is vastly different from the progesterone that is used in early pregnancy to prevent miscarriage due to low progesterone. And there are a LOT of studies being done on this drug to see how effective it is, if it might be useful during first pregnancies, etc. Here's what I know now.

Alpha-hydroxy- progesterone caproate (17P for short), can help prevent cervical changes (specifically cervical shortening, also known as effacing, which is typically the step before dilation) when given weekly starting between 16 and 20 weeks gestation. The drug is given through an injection (although nobody mentions where... hip, arm, leg, what?). P17 also helps to relax the uterine muscles, which is also a factor in preterm labor. There was a study done by the NIH where women with previous preterm births got weekly injections and the risk was decreased by 35% (not bad!). The most recent studies, however, seem to indicate that the decrease isn't seen with multiples, only singletons.

If you want to find this stuff online, it's apparently marketed under the brand name Gestiva (I had a little more luck with that than with the chemical name).

So what this tells me is if I can manage a singleton pregnancy, we have a very good chance of carrying the baby to term (or really, really close) without a cerclage. If we get twins again, it's probably going to require a cerclage.

July 31, 4 weeks, 1 day

2007-07-31T11:19:00.000-04:00

I am enormously glad that July is almost over. I'd really like for it to go away and act as if it never happened. Unfortunately, it will continue to happen, once every 12 months until they decide to change the calendar (which, I'll admit is not very likely). These have to be the worst 4 weeks of my life... that's topping a lot.

I will say that even with all the horrible-ness (yes, I'm making up words, deal with it) Chris and I are closer than before. That can't be all bad. It's not the way I would have wanted to figure out how much we're there for each other. There have to be better ways for that to happen. I'm looking for the good things (I'm trying here, honestly).

New job, new month (yay for August even if I do have to go back to work)... well, that would be perfect (can we get new baby in there somewhere?).

Doctor's visit

2007-07-25T15:10:00.000-04:00

So, the official diagnosis is "Um.... we're not really sure." Obviously, the effect was pre-term labor, however the actual cause is up for debate and could have been one of several things. I'll outline them:

1. Incompetent cervix - this is what I heard in the hosptial, but I was told today that it is actually probably NOT the cause. Typically, an IC happens over time, as the baby(ies) grow. So, it's likely that somebody would have noted something in a previous appt. The other thing that makes them suspect otherwise is the speed at which the situation progressed. At 11 am, my cervix was only 50% effaced (or so) and the cramping was mild, highly irregular and very spaced out (by hours), by 4 pm, it was pretty much 100% effaced and was having actual contractions about 30 minutes apart (that's an estimate, they were never actually timed). By 5pm I was also 3cm dialated and in the span of roughly an hour I went from 3cm to 10 cm. This is not, apparently, a typical pattern for an IC. However, my cervix will be closely watched in all subsequent pregnancies and if there's any sign of effacing, then we'll go to a cerclage. It's also possible that we could go to a cerclage at my request, especially if I have another set of twins.

2. The number of eggs implanted was 4. It's possible that this set me up for an early labor, since my body may not have realized that two of them stopped growing, or just the hormone levels were off. How that could have gone unnoticed is beyond me, since they took lots of blood, but they hadn't taken blood in quite some time, so that could be it.

3. On that note, it could be a progesterone issue. Even if it's not, progesterone shots have been known to help reduce preterm labor, so we could try that as well.

4. There could be some defect or anomaly within my uterus. To rule out this possibility, I'm having a hysterosonogram on September 5th. The goal here is to look for any polyps or fibroids in the uterus or any abnormalities of the uterus itself. Essentially, it's an ultrasound, and they fill the uterus with fluid to get a look at the inside.

Yeah, quite a list, huh? We can also throw in that I'm Rh negative, so will need rhogam for future pregnancies (cause there's no way Chris is going near a doctor to find out what his blood type is, so we're assuming he's positive).

So the current treatment is kind of complicated now. First and foremost, we want to minimize the chance of my conceiving multiples (since obviously that's a problem). I am clearly sensitive to clomid, and while that doesn't mean we won't use it, it does mean we'll go about this a different way. Step one is waiting to see what my body does. It's possible that my body may "fix" itself to some extent. I'm also going back on the metformin (850mg 2x per day). Apparently, the longer you're on it, the better your body reacts to it. She wants me to be on it for about six months to see exactly what my body is going to do. If after six months, my body is still having irregular cycles, then we can try Letrozole. This drug is similar to clomid but less potent. There's also only one dose of it, so unlike the clomid we wouldn't have to mess around with figuring out which dose works. It would either work, or it wouldn't. If the Letrozole doesn't work then we could go back to the clomid.

In the meantime, we can try if we want to (there's no physical reason to not try). Obviously, we don't know if we'd have any luck and I need to wait to have a period first (although it's possible to ovulate before the first period returns, it's also just as likely that I won't) and then... then we wait. So, unless lightning strikes or divine intervention occurs (and when in my life have I EVER been that lucky?) we're stuck waiting for awhile. That sucks. And that's all I have to say about that.

Pace across room, turn, repeat

2007-07-25T11:21:00.000-04:00

I'm going to the doctor today. I am anxious, afraid, nauseated, somewhat sad, afraid (did I mention that?), nervous and (oddly enough) relieved. Part of me is glad this day is here, because I was beginning to think that time was stopping and the day would never arrive. The rest of me is gravely concerned over the things that she can (and can't) tell me. I have a million and one what-if's again. I wish I had Chris, Kate or my mom to come with me too. Those are the three people that I think would be a really good support right now (not that I don't love the rest of you, but there's a unique aspect to this and I really need somebody who knows me inside and out and those are the 3 people who I think qualify at this point in my life). I have 2 hours to go...

Missing them

2007-07-17T11:08:00.000-04:00

Today seems to be a day when I miss the boys. And I'm not in tears over it, but I have this very heavy heart and I keep taking these deep breaths that sound more like sighs. It's a little strange that there doesn't seem to be any particular reason for it today. I guess that's just how it'll be for the rest of my life. There will just be days...

It's hard to think about losing your child. Children are supposed to live longer than their parents, not die as infants. It makes me wonder how those who have lost more than one child manage to go on (probably the same way I keep going, although in much more pain). I also can't begin to understand how a parent could kill their child. This isn't to say that women with post-partum depression are evil, but rather I can't ever imagine being in a place where the death of my child would be a good thing. I would rather die myself first. That's probably the one thing I can't get about PPD. Where the rational comes from that killing your child is the best possible way out, as opposed to killing yourself. Maybe it's one of those things that unless you've been there you can't understand.

What has been truly aggravating as of late are the women who see fit to complain about their pregnancy. How uncomfortable they are, how hot they are, how big they are, how they wish it was all just over. There are certainly sympathies in there - the woman who has been throwing up since day 1 and is in the hospital. That has to be hard. But I would trade with any of them (and I hate throwing up) to be in their situation. I would happily be hot and big and uncomfortable. Those women don't realize how lucky they are.

Of patience and decisions

2007-07-15T20:23:00.001-04:00

Two weeks seems like both a very long time and a very short time. It's interesting that time can move in two completely different ways like that. And, of course, there are decisions that I need to make. Cause life would not decide to be easy ever (heh, why would it?). And then there are the two strange occurences....

So number one starts with tomorrow. I'm going to an interview tomorrow at a high school north of us. This would be the second time I've changed jobs within a few months. This wasn't my original plan... but there are reasons. Originally, I had no choice to change jobs. The job I had at North was going to be gone as of the summer, since the new school is finally opening. Plus the hour commute was just really long and difficult. I hadn't realized just how far until I was doing it. When I was offered the job I have now, I was under the impression that I wouldn't have to teach Earth Science. And then I got Earth Science and lots of it, with no sign of relief. I can't explain to you how much I hate freshman. They're to much like middle schoolers. This new job is offering me Biology. Not perfect, but a BIG improvement. My hesitation is that were I still pregnant, I wouldn't be changing jobs. Part of that is probably because most people won't hire a woman who's obviously pregnant (it's illegal, but that's never stopped anybody yet). Part of my dislike may well also just be uncomfortable with new surroundings. Be that as it may, I'm in a position where I don't really feel comfortable with the people I work with and a lot of them aren't even people I really know. So the idea of going in to work in a month and having to explain to all these people about what happened, well let's just say it's not appealing. The idea of starting over fresh, so to speak, is nice. I don't have to tell anybody that I don't want to tell. This seems like a giant cop out to me, like running away. But as several people have pointed out to me, this isn't about proving emotional strength. It's just difficult to seperate the two at this point (the emotion and the rational).

Of course, I face the same thing again on Friday. I've been teaching a test prep class. It's easy, once a week for 2 hours. Currently, it's also paying $35/hour (that may be changing, but I'm not going to worry about that right now). The Friday after 4th of July we had off and I took last Friday off as well but this upcoming Friday I need to go back. This is a daunting idea, but one that must be done. Kind of a similar situation as above, but a different situation. I'm really hoping that nobody says anything. Or that the director said something to the students last week. Anything that saves me from having to say something.

I think that part of the problem is that I tend to be private. This loss is incredibly personal and I don't tend to be an incredibly open person with people that I don't know real well. I don't know if this is something that most people feel or if it's just the quietness in me dominating (or protecting). In a lot of ways, even the pregnancy was personal. I didn't say anything to people until I had to (and obviously by the end, it was quite obvious but I still wasn't saying anything) and I was quiet even when I did tell people things. Unless they were close (or a doctor), they weren't getting details. So that same feeling is taking over now, except that people tend to be nosy about things like this. So I'm getting anxious about having to say anything.

So, about the strange occurences. Both of these things can likely be explained away easily, but they still surprised me. The first one has to do with the birdfeeder we have. There's a family of cardinals that has been living in the woods behind our house, although for the past month or so I haven't seen the Mommy, the Daddy or the babies. Today though, they all showed up. The babies are looking all grown up with mostly red feathers (so they're boys, ironically enough) and some of the baby feathers still muting the red. They're going to be very pretty. The fact that the cardinals had two baby boys just kind of stuck with me today. It's good to know that they're both doing well. I was wondering if the boys didn't send me the babies just to let me know they're ok.

The second odd moment today was in the boys' room. The cloth cubes are all filled up with stuff that makes them rather heavy, espcially the one on the bottom which has all the little pajama/onesies that I had bought. This morning that cube was pulled out, about half way. But there was no sign of cats - no pulls in the fabric or signs of cat fur. I mean... I guess they could have pulled it out without leaving a trace, but that's very unlike the cats. So, I'm guessing it was the cats, but I've got no proof of that (and no other ideas about how it could have happened that can be proven by any earthly beings).

Next Tuesday, I go to my OB for a post-partum checkup and she'll (hopefully) answer all my questions, or the ones that can be answered at any rate. I've got a list of questions written down. High on the list is when we'll be able to try again. I'm betting that the answer is going to be October/November ish. I don't like that answer, but as she controls the clomid rx we kinda have no options. It's probably for the best, medically, but it makes me uncomfortable. I need to be patient, I suppose. I'm not the most patient person. But before stressing, I need to patient and see what she says. There's that word again...

I think I'm losing my sanity

2007-07-10T16:15:00.000-04:00

That assumes I was sane to begin with, I guess. And we all know that I'm not. My house is getting cleaner by the day. The rooms I've cleaned are likely cleaner than they've been since we moved in (that was in October, I think). I realized today that for 5 months I was resting and nothing got cleaned. So I started cleaning. Or maybe I just started trying to occupy my mind with something that didn't involve the boys or this feeling that I'm going to end up some crazy lady with 100 cats in her house. I have 2 vastly different emotions going on at once (which is likely the cause of my slipping sanity). At this rate, my bathroom floors will be able to be eaten off of.

I want time to move forward. I feel like I'm sitting here and time isn't moving. Like this day will never end, ever and I'll be stuck at this point in my life forever and then suddenly, one day I'll be 80 and my life will be over but I'll have never moved forward. I think that the primary emotion I have right now is anger (not that the sadness is gone, but it's being overwhelmed, I think). The problem is who to be angry at. There isn't really anybody to be mad at. Everybody did what they thought was the best at the point in time we were at. So the anger has no real outlet and it sits. Hence the cleaning.

I feel like everybody is moving past me. More and more people end up pregnant with their baby and soon I'll be the only one left. Everybody else will be having playdates and I'll be... pretending that I'm ok? Acting like I don't care and it doesn't really matter because we can do things without worrying about a babysitter?

Envious. I know that's on the list too. I envy the people who will never worry about losing their baby. I know that I'll spend every minute holding my breath while other people just go on about their life and never worry about anything. I feel like I'm doing that now, actually. I'm holding my breath and waiting, wondering when I'm going to get more horrible news. Wondering when... lots of wondering...

I feel like that sense of peace and joy that I found is gone. I finally felt like I was getting what I wanted, that my life was moving forward and everything was going to be ok. Now, I wonder if anything will ever be ok again. And my mind keeps drifting to this one thought - in about a month, I have to go back to a job that I don't like, people that I don't really know and answer a million questions about what happened and have to relive this entire experience over and over again for people who don't know me and just want their curiosity satisfied. I don't feel like I have the strength to handle that, yet I have no choice. I have to go back. Part of me just wants to print out a little business card that says "I lost my babies. No, I don't want to talk about it. Please don't ask me any questions." and then just hand that out to everybody. Except that would be rude. The world will expect me to answer all their prying questions ("what happened? why? are you ok? i'm sorry. you can try again, you know. you're still so young...). I hate every single one of those damn questions or statements. "Are you ok?" is probably the dumbest (yeah you moron I'm great. I'm thrilled that my babies died.) and "I'm sorry" is probably the lamest (that's the I don't know what to say, but I'll say I'm sorry cause it makes it seem like I care and I don't feel guilty).

I think the rudest of these is "You can try again. You're still so young." statement. This is typically said by people who are roughly 10 years older than me and seem to think that my children are replaceable. It's also common with people who assume that I am younger than my 30 years, because "You don't look 30!" (really asshole? I feel 30, so shut the hell up.). Like it matters how damn old I am. People assume that we just accidently ended up pregnant and we'll try again tomorrow and then have another baby without any problem. Here's a suggestion - don't assume anything. In fact, the absolute best statement that I've heard from people who've not ever been through this is "I don't know what to say." because it's the truth. It's honest. It's not trying to make that person feel better. It's not assuming anything. It's acknowledging that they don't know anything about how I feel right now and that they aren't going to try and act like they do. Trust me, should you ever meet somebody who's going through this, tell them that.

It's back

2007-07-10T11:41:00.000-04:00

I have that same horrible, awful feeling again that I'll never have any kids.

Actually, I think it's worse now.

Blah...

2007-07-09T14:33:00.000-04:00

Today, in a few hours, officially marks the birth of my boys. I had trouble sleeping last night. I wouldn't be surprised to have trouble sleeping tonight. Last night I spent hours laying in bed, going over moments in my head. It was literally like "at this time last week, I had the cramps that I thought would go away. what if I'd gone to the hosptial now, instead of waiting?" and on, and on, and on. Eventually I fell asleep and then I'd wake up to go to the bathroom and I'd have to start all over again. I keep looking at the clock... I know that I'm counting down the hours and minutes in my head (5 hours to go, until Liam was born). It's... hard. I don't want to do it. I keep telling myself not to do it. And then I do it again. Time moves so strangely now. Some moments I don't know where they went and other moments drag on like they'll never end.

I've also found it interesting (or something like that) that I have no desire to chat with people online about trying anymore. While we were trying for the boys, it seemed that chatting with other people kept me sane. Now... all of their concerns seem so silly. I've read across a few different threads, and with the exception of one board, there isn't anywhere I want to talk about trying. Maybe I just can't relate to people who've been trying for 2 months and cry when they discover they aren't pregnant. Or the people who test 15 times a day, even though they got a negative the first time. Maybe that'll change with time.

I also wish people would quit telling me that I can't replace Liam and Conner by being pregnant again. I KNOW that. I think it's annoying that anybody could even think that I'm trying to replace them. They aren't replaceable. They're my babies. Am I supposed to sit here and just cry and hope for several months that I could have them back? I can't have them back. I am acutely aware of the fact that I can't have them back. Why is it so wrong that we want to have children. Are people just that uncomfortable with the idea of losing a child that they think that wanting to try again means I want a replacement for my boys? I find it somewhat ironic to that most of the people telling me that I'm rushing myself (like they'd know) also have children that are alive. I'm not looking at the world through their glasses.

Random chatter

2007-07-07T19:00:00.000-04:00

It's probably not real commonly known (well, I sure didn't know) that sadness like this is actually a physical thing. I mean, obviously there's a huge emotional part there. But there is this physical pain that goes along with it. Maybe pain is a bad word choice. But it's harder to breathe, joints ache (mostly, my back but I've also had other pains in my knees), and there are moments when my heart physically feels heavier. I doubt it actually is, it just feels that way.

I also have these wonderfully conflicting emotions (hear the sarcasm here?). I've wanted to have children forever (it seems that way, anyhow). We certainly worked long enough to have the boys. And yes, it did sometimes feel like work. And I have the boys, in a sense. Nobody can take away the fact that I am a mommy. But... I don't have them. The rest of the world sees a person with no children. Not that I really care what anybody else thinks, but in a sense I don't have any children. It's a strange thing to try and understand. How can I want to get pregnant again (like NOW!) and still recognize that I have children (which IS what I wanted)? Maybe this doesn't make sense to anybody else. Whatever else you might say, DO NOT tell me that I shouldn't worry about it. Because I'm going to, for awhile anyway.

I decided today that I also needed to put anything that could potentially get barfed on or otherwise destroyed by a cat needed to get put away. This included several things that were not specifically for the boys (like a car window shade I had bought) and a few things I had bought for them (like the Eeyore and Pooh stuffed animals). And part of me didn't really want to put them away, like they were just for another baby because they weren't (although they will, obviously, get passed down). I felt somewhat horrible for "hiding" these things. That wasn't my intention, but I think that's what it ends up looking like.

And of course, I am one of those people who worries. There's no real explanation for why I do, but I do. Maybe it's partially being a person who abhores things being totally outside of their control. Actually, it's probably largely a result of that, but I digress. My worries are compounding. I am terrified that it'll take us another year or more to conceive another child. Now, this worry seems silly since the clomid clearly worked (heck, it worked on the first try, so what does that tell you?) and chances are that it will work again (why wouldn't it?) but the worrier in me... well... yeah. And then there's the worry I have of how well the clomid works. Remember the first ultrasound showed 4 sacs, although only two actual babies. So, I fully expect another set of twins (or worse). The thought of a cerclage scares the hell out of me (but may be the best choice, depending on the situation) especially since one of the potential problems is that it could inadvertantly cause preterm labor (wouldn't that be bloody brilliant?). I'd probably also rather take drugs, but I don't think that's the first choice that's used. That's one of those ask the doctor questions. As to why I'd rather the drugs... probably just because it doesn't require somebody trying to sew my cervix shut (charming thought, huh?) but then again, if it means my baby's (babies'?) life, I'd likely walk through heaven and hell. Scratch that, I know I would.

The little things

2007-07-05T19:27:00.000-04:00

Baby steps. That's how I've been getting through my days. It seems to be working, although I don't think I'll be starting a cheer anytime soon. We've gotten some flowers (which are beautiful) and lots of people just letting us know that they're thinking of us. It's nice to know. It's not the way I'd have opted to find this out though.

There are still little things... You know those things. The ones that make you stop unexpectedly and cry, mourning what's lost. I think those are the hardest because they come out of nowhere. One moment you'll be fine and the next the world is wondering what's wrong. But I've made it this far. I'm willing to bet I'll make it a little further. There are still plenty of things that are making me wonder what steps to take next in my life. Maybe I've just reevaluated what's truly important.

Surprisingly, the boys' room doesn't upset me yet. It's actually kind of comforting. Maybe that's where their spirits ended up. Maybe that will change. Eventually it will become a room for another little one, I imagine. Maybe that will change my feelings about the room. That's one of those wait and see things. I don't think I'll know until I actually get there. But that all goes back to the baby steps.

Right now, it's hour by hour. Eventually, I'm sure I'll get back to day by day. I know for sure that every night for the rest of my life I'll say goodnight to my little angels before I go to sleep.

My little angels

2007-07-03T20:13:00.000-04:00

My little boys were so tiny and precious. I need to get some of this out. Writing seems like it might help.

Liam and Conner...much loved by their mommy and daddy, born 7/2/07. They're perfect. What else can I say? There aren't any 2 babies more loved. They could have been anything. They get to be angels.

There are a million what ifs going through my head. What if I went to the hospital sooner? What if I rested more? Drank more water? Did I miss something? Did I eat something bad?

My job for the first nine months was to just keep them safe. My heart is breaking because I couldn't do that. I got them all to myself for 5 months. I got to see pictures. I heard their little hearts beat. I would do anything for a chance to do it all again. I would give up the rest of my life if they could just have theirs. This pain is terrible.

I got to hold them both. I kissed them both. I told them mommy loved them.

Now I have to go on. Without them.

Liam, Conner, mommy loves you. She always will.

Halfway (aka 20 weeks)

2007-06-30T21:31:00.000-04:00

14o days to go, officially 5 months. So what does the doctor's visit reveal? Well, both babies sound good (nice heartbeats, one was a little pumped, maybe cause I'd just eaten but he was going nuts in there). I've gained 18 pounds, so I have 6 more pounds to go and I'll have my 24 pounds at 24 weeks. My uterus, however, is very stretched out. It measures at 31 weeks, with the top tip sitting just beneath my diaphragm. This easily explains why taking a deep breath is difficult. Apparently, they decided to grow up first and then out. It can't go up any further, really, so the only direction left is outward. This ought to be interesting, eh?

It has also occured to me that I'm going to have 2 boys. Now, I have brothers. I have seen firsthand what happens when boys get bored. Heck, even when they're not bored things get... interesting. Some highlights include: setting a washcloth on fire (at 8 in the morning), throwing pennies around the bedroom, resulting in one penny falling between a nightlight and where it was plugged in (causing the plugs to be seperated from the nightlight itself, left inside the outlet), putting army men into the microwave just to see what would happen, and general cuts, scrapes, bruises and broken bones. And this is just what ONE boy managed to do, by himself. So I'll have 2, working together at the exact same age (and likely thinking the same things). What exactly did I do to deserve this?? Somebody save me, please!

19 weeks

2007-06-21T11:50:00.001-04:00

19 weeks
Originally uploaded by Malkavian513

I am growing a watermelon, apparently. At any rate, at least I don't look lumpy anymore. Oh and if this works then I figured out how to blog from flickr - so yay!
Edit - suh-weet! it works!!

Conner and Liam

2007-06-15T10:07:00.000-04:00

The ultrasound tech swears that they're both boys (one of them, I think it's hard to tell, but she says he's a boy, and she has far more experience doing this than I do), so it's 2 boys (um... yeah, not real sure what to do with them yet, since I always figured one of them was a girl but I'm sure it'll be good - less drama, right?). Their heartbeats are both at 185, as of yesterday and one of them is estimated at a whopping 8 ounces, the other is 9 ounces. That means that both of them are bigger than what the books and websites say they should be at 18 weeks. This is good, since it means they're both growing well. I'll put up pictures from the new ultrasound later.

17 weeks

2007-06-08T20:22:00.000-04:00

Your baby weighs about 5 ounces now, and he's around 5 inches long — about the size of a large onion. He can move his joints, and his skeleton — until now rubbery cartilage — is starting to harden to bone. His sense of hearing is also developing. The umbilical cord, his lifeline to the placenta, is growing stronger and thicker.

I don't really like the comparison to an onion, but I guess that it helps with understanding the size. But still... an onion?

16 weeks (and 10 pounds in 4 weeks)

2007-06-02T15:22:00.000-04:00

I've gained 10 pounds since my last doctor's visit. This makes everybody happy. My only thought is how long it'll take to get all this weight off... All I can say is that these two little beans had better appreciate all the effort that mommy is going through!

At 4 1/2 inches long (head to bottom) and 3 1/2 ounces, your baby is about the size of an avocado. In the next three weeks, she'll go through a tremendous growth spurt, though, doubling her weight and adding inches to her length. Her lower limbs are much more developed now. Her head is more erect than it has been, and her eyes have moved toward the front of her head. Your baby's ears are close to their final position, too. Some of her more advanced body systems are working, including her circulatory system and urinary tract. Her heart is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood each day, circulating her total blood volume through her body many times. (By the end of your pregnancy, this will increase to about 190 quarts.) The patterning of her scalp has begun, though her hair isn't recognizable yet. Although closed, her eyes are moving (slowly), and she's even started growing toenails.

coupons

2007-05-31T17:53:00.000-04:00

Yeah, if anybody spots baby type coupons (diapers, baby wipes, pacifiers, whatever else) I would really like to have them. Actually... if you have anything else you don't want, I'd probably take those too, but mostly diapers (please - I'm begging here. Diapers are EXPENSIVE!!!!)

15 weeks

2007-05-25T19:02:00.000-04:00

Ummm... when did this happen? How did I get to 15 weeks pregnant? I feel like I've lost a couple of months somewhere.

At around 4 inches long, crown to rump, your baby now weighs about 2 1/2 ounces. He's busy inhaling and exhaling amniotic fluid, which will help develop the air sacs in his lungs. His legs are growing longer than his arms now, and he can move all his joints and limbs. That means his hands are more functional, too. Sweat glands are appearing, and although his eyelids are fused shut, he can sense light. If you shine a flashlight at your tummy, he's likely to move away from the beam. There's not much for your baby to taste at this point, but his taste buds are beginning to form. And if you have an ultrasound, you may be able to find out whether your baby's a boy or girl! (Don't be disappointed if it remains a mystery, though. Nailing down the sex depends somewhat on how clear the picture is and the position of your baby during the ultrasound; he may be curled or turned in such a way as to keep you in suspense.)

14 weeks (182 days to go)

2007-05-18T20:04:00.000-04:00

Head to bottom, your baby's 3 1/2 inches long — about the length of a lemon — and weighs about 1 1/2 ounces. Her body's growing faster than her head, which now sits upon a more well-defined neck. By the end of this week, her arms will have lengthened and will be in proportion to the rest of her body. (Her legs still have some growing to do, though.) She's starting to develop an ultra-fine, downy covering of hair all over her body (called lanugo). Her liver starts secreting bile this week, a sign that it's already functioning properly, and her spleen starts contributing to the production of red blood cells. She's also producing and discharging urine into the amniotic fluid, a normal process that she'll keep up until birth. You still can't feel your baby's movements, but her hands and feet (which are now half an inch long) are more flexible and active. Thanks to brain impulses, her little facial muscles are getting a workout as she squints, frowns, and grimaces. She can grasp now, too, and she may be able to suck her thumb.

13 weeks

2007-05-13T17:27:00.000-04:00

Your belly may soon be big enough to announce to the world that you're expecting, but your baby is still tiny. In fact, he's only about 3 inches long crown to rump — roughly the size of a jumbo shrimp — and weighs just about an ounce. Despite the small proportions, there's a fully formed baby inside your womb now. Much more proportional than it was a few weeks ago, his head is now only about a third the size of his body. His tiny, unique fingerprints are already in place. His kidneys and urinary tract are functional, and he's starting to urinate out the amniotic fluid he's been swallowing. As you start your second trimester, most of your baby's critical development will be completed, and your odds of miscarriage will drop considerably.

New pictures

2007-05-10T13:17:00.000-04:00

I have pictures up now of the room decorating that I've done so far. My Snoopy border rocks - and I put it up by myself. I don't recommend doing that. EVER. I'm far to perfectionistic to allow help though. Besides we only have 1 ladder (and 10 foot ceilings) so it's not like Chris could have done much anyway. You can also see our stoarge cubes, which I love. They're cute and the little cloth drawers are neat. (http://flickr.com/photos/cmorley/)

Yes, I realize that the room is blue and it looks like we're having boys. We don't know what we're having, but there was no way I was painting the room pink, even if they're both girls. And really, green or yellow? Yuck. Blue is pretty and besides that the color is called Blue's Bubbles. If Blue can be a girl (think Blue's Clues), then any girls I have can have a blue room. And it does look like the same shade of blue that Blue is, so I like it.

New stuff YOU want to know

2007-05-07T19:10:00.000-04:00

Flickr will let you print photos from online now! What does this mean to you? Well, if you want to print any of my pictures (and some of you may well want to now or eventually...) you need to go to flickr.com and set up an account. Then you want me to add you as family or friends, because quite frankly, I don't want the whole world to be able to print my pictures (and really who can blame me?). Once you're added you'll be able to go to pictures and print sets of them which you can either have mailed to you at home or you can pick up at Target. According to the site you do have to pay via credit card though - I think that's true even if you want to pick them up at Target.

FYI, my photo site is under the name Malkavian513. I don't know if you can search for cmorley and find it. Alternatively, you can just let me know what you set up as a screen name in flickr and I can invite you into my friends and family list. Signing up is free, so you don't have to actually pay anything until you want pictures.

12 week update and an OB visit

2007-05-04T17:51:00.000-04:00

Your baby's hit the 2-inch mark (about the size of a lime) and weighs half an ounce. Her face is beginning to look more human. Her eyes, which started out on the sides of her head, have moved closer together on her face, and her ears are near their final positions on the sides of her head. Your baby's intestines, which have grown so rapidly that they protrude into the umbilical cord, will start to move into her abdominal cavity about now. Her kidneys are secreting urine into her bladder. Her nerve cells have been multiplying rapidly, and synapses (neurological pathways in the brain) are forming. Your baby may have acquired more reflexes by now, including sucking, and she'll even squirm if you prod your abdomen, though you still won't be able to feel her movement for several weeks.

So that's the baby update on the growth front. The OB appointment showed to babies with great heartbeats - Baby A had a hr of 167 and Baby B had a hr of 178. My blood pressure is still nice and low (yay for 112/70). However, I need to gain more weight. In 12 weeks, I've gained 2 pounds. By 24 weeks, I should have gained 24 pounds total. So, in 12 weeks I need to gain about 22 pounds. Except that I'm eating all the time. I thought I had gained at least 5 pounds. I need recipes that are high protein. So if you have a good recipe with a lot of calories in it, please email it to me! Apparently, I need it (who ever thought I'd be trying to GAIN weight!?) Worry not about the babies though. They're highly effective little parasites. :)

The 11 week update

2007-04-27T20:35:00.000-04:00

Your fig-sized baby is now fully formed — measuring 1 1/2 inches long and weighing in at a quarter of an ounce. His skin is still transparent, allowing many of his blood vessels to show through. Some of his bones are beginning to harden, and tiny toothbuds are starting to appear under his gums. His fingers and toes have separated, and he may soon be able to open and close his fists. He's already busy kicking and stretching, and his tiny movements are so fluid they look like water ballet. These movements will increase as his body grows and becomes more developed and functional. As his diaphragm develops, your tiny tenant may also start to get the hiccups. Because he's still so small, though, you won't feel any of his workouts or intrauterine gulps until sometime between weeks 16 and 20.

For the curious

2007-04-20T19:12:00.001-04:00

One belly, 10 weeks in...

http://flickr.com/photos/cmorley/

They're officially fetuses... er.... feti??

2007-04-20T17:26:00.000-04:00

I've no idea what the plural of fetus is... however they both are, as of today. I guess 10 weeks is a magic number since all their organs are developed now and all they really have to do now is GROW!

This is the beginning of the so-called fetal period, a time when the tissues and organs in her body rapidly grow and mature. Her vital organs — the liver, kidney, intestines, brain, and lungs — are now in place and starting to function (although they'll continue to develop throughout your pregnancy). Her liver continues to make blood cells, and the yolk sac, which previously supplied these cells, is no longer needed and begins to disappear.

During the next three weeks, your baby's length will more than double to nearly 3 inches. Her head is proportionately smaller now than it was a few weeks ago, but it's still almost half the length of her entire body. Her forehead temporarily bulges with her developing brain and sits high on her head; it will later recede to give her a more human appearance. Each day, more minute details — including tiny fingernails, toenails, and peach-fuzz hair — start to appear on her body. Her fingers are now completely separated; her arms bend at the elbow and curve slightly; her hands are flexed at the wrist and meet over her heart; her legs are lengthening; and her feet may be long enough to meet in front of her body. She is busily swallowing amniotic fluid and kicking her legs.If you could take a peek at your baby this week, you'd be able to clearly see the outline of her spine through her parchment-thin skin. Spinal nerves are beginning to stretch out from her spinal cord.

Also, I seem to have a belly. I attribute this to the fact that, in a normal pregnancy the uterus should be about the size of a grapefruit. So with more than one in there, I would assume that the uterus would be bigger. I have not yet gained any weight though... Possibly a pound, as it's kind of difficult to tell on the scale. My eternal hope is that I won't end up at the same weight after I have the babies, which would get me a little lighter than my current standard weight.

I want brownies. That is all (love you all!).

Baby Registry

2007-04-18T20:47:00.000-04:00

In the hopes that we'll get some of the more expensive things gifted to us there is now a baby registry at Babies R Us. It's under my name and Chris' name so it should be easy to find. Obviously everything is gender neutral since we don't know if they're boys, girls or both. But then again, when you're talking about things like cribs and car seats there aren't really gender differences.

9 week update x2

2007-04-16T17:43:00.000-04:00

Your new resident is nearly an inch long — barely the size of a grape — and weighs just a fraction of an ounce, but he's poised for rapid weight gain now that his basic physical structure is in place. He's also starting to look more and more human. His embryonic "tail" is now completely gone and his body parts — including organs, muscles, and nerves — are kicking into gear.His eyelids are fused shut and won't open until 27 weeks. He has earlobes, and by week's end, the inner workings of his ears will be complete. His upper lip is fully formed, too, and his mouth, nose, and nostrils are more distinct. The tips of his fingers are slightly enlarged where his touch pads are developing. All major joints — his shoulders, elbows, wrists, knees, and ankles — are working, enabling your baby to move his limbs. As for his heart, it has divided into four chambers now, and the valves have started to develop. External sex organs are there, but won't be distinguishable as male or female for another few weeks.

8 week update

2007-04-07T08:31:00.000-04:00

I'll have to find information soon on how having the twins will affect their development. Meanwhile, at 8 weeks, they're getting bigger...

Your baby is now 5/8 of an inch long, about the size of a kidney bean. She's constantly moving and shifting, although you won't be able to feel these womb wiggles for several weeks yet. Her embryonic tail is disappearing, and her eyelids practically cover her eyes. Still slightly webbed, her fingers and toes are growing longer. Her arms have lengthened, too, and her hands are now flexed at the wrist and meet over her heart. Her knee joints have formed, and her feet may be long enough to meet in front of her body. With her trunk straightening out, her head is more erect. Breathing tubes extend from her throat to the branches of her developing lungs. The nerve cells in her brain are also branching out to connect with one another, forming primitive neural pathways. Though you may be daydreaming about your baby as one gender or another, the external genitals still haven't developed enough to reveal whether you're having a boy or a girl.

Pictures

2007-04-05T17:36:00.000-04:00

Flickr and blogger don't play nice (probably because flickr is a yahoo thing and blogger is a google thing), so here's the link to the three ultrasound pictures.
http://flickr.com/photos/cmorley/

:) - FYI tomorrow is 8 weeks, or 2 months!

A two for one deal!

2007-04-04T21:05:00.001-04:00

I had my first OB appointment today. I didn't think that we'd do an ultrasound, but it turns out that they have one in the office. Dr. Vuong wanted to see how many babies there were because of the clomid. Clomid, apparently is THE wonder drug - because I'm carrying twins. I actually started with quads, but two of them were reabsorbed. The tech and my OB said that the babies's hearts probably didn't start to beat when the other two did. Which explains the bouts of bleeding.

The other two, however, are happily attached to me with good strong heartbeats - one at 188 bpm (beats per minute) and the other at 177 bpm. I have ultrasound pics that I'll put up soon. But I wanted to share! :)

I think I'm nauseous

2007-03-29T19:59:00.000-04:00

I can't eat. I managed a bowl of cereal but nothing else is getting into my stomach anytime soon. Tomorrow will be 7 weeks. I'm not sure if that feels like a long time or not. At any rate, by this point my little one is something like this.

Your baby still appears to have a small tail (actually, it's an extension of his tailbone), which will disappear in the next few weeks. But that's the only thing getting smaller. Now almost half an inch long — roughly the size of a raspberry — he has elbow joints and distinct, slightly webbed fingers and toes. In his oversized head, both hemispheres of his brain are developing. His teeth and the inside of his mouth are forming, and his ears continue to develop. Eyelid folds partially cover his tiny peepers, which already have some color, and the tip of that nose you'll be tweaking someday is emerging. His skin is paper-thin and his veins are clearly visible.

Your little one also has an appendix and a pancreas, which will eventually produce the hormone insulin to aid in digestion. His liver is busy producing red blood cells, and a loop of your baby's growing intestines is bulging into his umbilical cord, which now has distinct blood vessels to carry oxygen and nutrients to and from his tiny body. You can't feel his gyrations yet, but your baby is like a little jumping bean, moving in fits and starts around his watery home.

I habe a cold...

2007-03-26T17:21:00.000-04:00

Oh yes, a nasty little cold (and the title is what I sound like when I say that). And do you know what it says on the back of every package of cold medication known to man? If you are pregnant, consult a doctor before use. And do you know how many doctors are available between Saturday morning and Sunday night? Yup, zero. So now what? I suffer, very slowly and painfully all weekend with the happy knowledge that Monday morning I can call and talk to a nurse and find out what I can take to at least make my nose stop running.

And then I wake up Monday morning, feeling much better. In fact my nose has stopped running (there's an occasioanl bout of sniffles) and I'm left with a cough that tells me this isn't totally gone. But I no longer need any medicine for it.

I hate viruses.

6 weeks along...

2007-03-23T18:28:00.000-04:00

Your baby's heart is growing and dividing into the right and left chambers. But the most exciting part is that her tiny heart is now beating (at a speedy 100 to 130 beats a minute) and pumping blood throughout her body. The cells that will make up all of your baby's body parts and systems are dividing furiously as her body begins to take shape. Right now she's about the size of a small lentil bean (4 to 5 millimeters across).

If you could see through your uterine wall, you'd find an overlarge head and dark spots where your baby's eyes and nostrils will be. Shallow pits on the sides of her head mark her developing ears, and her arms and legs appear as protruding buds. Her hands and feet look like paddles, with thick webbing between the developing digits, but her fingers and toes will soon become more distinct. Below the opening that will later be your baby's mouth, there are small folds where her neck and lower jaw will eventually develop. (Inside, her tongue and vocal cords are just beginning to form.) Your baby's intestines are developing, and tiny breathing passages are beginning to appear where her lungs will be. She's also starting to build muscle fibers and, halfway through this week, she'll likely start moving her tiny limbs.

This is one cool picture: http://www.babycenter.com/general/fetaldevelopment/pregnancy/1498210.html?scid=mbtw_preg07:20070319:0:0:0

Easy food

2007-03-20T18:49:00.000-04:00

This place is great: http://dreamdinners.com/main.php?static=index. You order the meals you want to make online and then you schedule a time to go in a put the meals together. So you spend 1-2 hours assembling meals and putting them into ready to freeze containers. They give you cooking instructions and then you take everything home. It's not bad. Food's pretty good anyway and I got 5 meals out of it on the introductory special. If you don't like coming home from work and cooking you might want to give this a try (if there's one near you, of course).

FYI, 5 weeks and 4 days today.