Friday, April 30, 2010

Imperfect but still perfect

The girl. Just like her brother perfect in every way. Except for one interesting little quirk. If you look closely at her eyes, you'll notice that one is blue and the other is... brown? Yup, brown.

How did that happen? Well, that's a good question and one that I have no answer for. I know, genetically speaking, it's not possible for one set of DNA to produce two different eye colors. There could have been a mutation in one eye, I suppose, but that would be pretty rare. Of course, so are all the other possibilities. So on Monday I'm going to give our ped a call and see what they have to say. It's been like this about a week now and it's definitely not changing. I am sure that whatever we discover, this isn't going to change.

Which means that she's going to be explaining this for the rest of her life to people. I know firsthand how mean kids can be when there isn't much different about you. When there is something different... well, I guess we're going to find out just how that's going to go.

Now, the boy. We've got some good news on his front. His IFSP is going to be changed so that his new goal will be to begin using words (not just word approximations) and to combine those words to begin to form sentences. Since he's going to be 2 in just 4 days, he's still behind, but less behind than he was when we started 6 months ago. We're also going to get a speech evaluation done to see if there's some physical reason that's preventing him from talking properly. That's going to be done in a couple of weeks.

And then we get to start transition planning. In 6 months, we're going to be introduced to the liason for the school system. They'll do another evaluation to see if he still qualifies for services (that would be at preschool level). If he doesn't he'll be exited from the program and if he does then they'll work with us to write up an IEP. And I imagine they will have some other things that we'll have to do. But that's all in the future.

Two perfect children... just a little bit imperfect in their own ways but as far as I'm concerned, still perfect.

Friday, April 23, 2010

What if I can never get over the feeling that my body has failed me?

That question has sat in the back of my mind for years now. It still plagues me today and the fact that I have to stop having children (whether I want to or not) only makes that question more pertinent. Because my body just doesn't work. First it doesn't want to get pregnant and then it doesn't want to stay that way. What kind of a rotten deal is that? I mean, I have 4 children but I'll only ever see 2 of them grow up because 2 of them died because my body failed. I had to take all kinds of drugs because my body failed. Hell, even while I was pregnant the second time, I spent most of my pregnancy injecting myself with huge needles and thick oil with hormones in it because my body keeps failing. How exactly is this fair? It completely kills a person's self esteem and leaves them feeling like a failure. This was supposed to be easy.

Inevitably, that one question leads to dozens of others. What if I passed this hell down to my daughter? What if I drive my children nuts hovering over them so that I know they're safe? What if I accidentally get pregnant and have to choose if I should try and have that baby? What if I died while trying another pregnancy? What if I lived but that baby didn't?

But there's a positive to all of this and ultimately that's where I'm trying to go. What if it doesn't matter? What is the end result is that the journey is, in many ways, over. And the result of that is two beautiful, healthy children. Does it make a difference how they got here? I'm starting to believe the answer is no. The journey was long, hard and unexpected. It was unfair and mean. But I can't focus on the journey for the rest of my life. The point of all of this wasn't the journey. It was the end result and that end result is a fairy tale of sorts. Fairy tales have scary moments when you think the bad guy will win but a fairy tale has a happy ending.

I'm starting to see that happy ending.

Infertility 101
Take Charge - National Infertility Awareness Week
The Complete What If List

Sunday, April 18, 2010


So we haven't had a vacation for quite some time... well, no that's not entirely true. We went to my mom and dad's last summer (trip to Boston) which rocked. And before the boy was born we spent a weekend in Atlanta which was really fun. But honestly, for me, the definition of a vacation is that you are going somewhere new and/or vacation-y. The last one of those would be our trip to England in 2007. Which was awesome but it's not likely we'll be making any huge travel plans any time soon with a newborn and all.

So yesterday we were in a bookstore and I saw a book on Washington D.C. with kids. Now, I have never been to D.C. It's not really far from here, but it's certainly a new place and so would completely qualify. Hopefully the book will yield some wonderful ideas.

I amanxiously plotting in my head when our next Disney trip will be. The last time we were there was 2006 and a lot changes there in 4 years. That may be an option next summer if we're both employed again (I really hope so or we'll have some much bigger issues to deal with).

I miss vacations. Here's to hoping that we get to do some travelling soon.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The truth...

I have in fact met 3 of the 6 presidents who have been in office during my life. No, I won't tell you how old I am. You can do the math and get a range of ages if you really want to know.

So, who? The first was Ronald Reagan, who I met as a girl scout. I don't remember much about the circumstances quite frankly. And all that was said was "Nice to meet you." (by him - I said nothing). The second was George Bush (the senior, obviously). I was in Boston while he was campaigning (the second time) and while I am not a republican, the idea of meeting the man was intriguing. The last was Bill Clinton who I met during his second time campaigning for president. I would point out that while none of these meetings was incredibly long or for anything terribly important -

how many presidents have you met?

That was my reply to the one person who ever listened to the above schpiel (I've gone through this for a few of those "meet and learn" things that teachers sometimes do and we always seemed to have to do at the beginning of education classes) and seemed to think (based on their tone of vocie) that I should have had a much better story. I said I met them. I didn't say we were close personal friends, for crying out loud.

Curious why this is here? Read here.

It is decided that there will not be any more children for us. Two angels and two partial placental abruptions make me think we've played the luck card enough. Next time it could be a total placental abruption and I don't think it's fair to risk my life or the life of that child. I would like more kids, to be honest though. But I can't do it. I just can't.

Surprisingly, I do NOT want to make this decision permanent. Since my husband is as likely to see a doctor as I would be to jump out of a perfectly good airplace (ain't happenin', just so you know - and yet he's jumped out of said airplane. Go figure.) this is all in my court. Common sense tells me to make this permanent and eliminate the chance of oops. But I can't. I have no idea why, but I can't. So I'll pick a less permanent (and more risky method... maybe an IUD? minimize the risk as much as possible?) method. I'll have to give some thought as to why though... Any ideas?

Monday, April 12, 2010

Musings on quads

If you have read back far enough in this blog, you know that my very first pregnancy started out as quads and that very early on two babies were lost (think 9 weeks and earlier). At the time, this didn't phase me much as I still had twins and jeez, I can't fathom trying to carry quads. Of course, you would also know how badly that pregnancy ended at just past 20 weeks, losing both boys and ending my very first pregnancy with zero babies to take home. In the past few years, I've had time to wonder about all 4 of those babies. While my boys are the most real to me, having held them in my arms, it has also occured to me that those other 2 were there... who were they.

And it occured to me suddenly the other day - I have them, both of them. I think that explains my sense of contentment and completion to some extent. I have held all 4 of my angels. It's like two of them knew things were going to end badly and they decided they needed to try later. Three boys and a girl. Those are my quads. It's a wierd thing to say or even think but in my heart, it makes sense. Four little souls. Two angels for the two on earth.

I wish we were getting to walk this year. I finally feel ready to have all four of my babies walked for. I really can't imagine taking the girl though. That's a lot of people (hence a lot of germs) and I don't want to expose her to that yet. Of course, I'll be exposing her to daycare soon enough, but that's a different post for later. There's always next year though. If you get an opportunity, support a March for Babies walker.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

After a long hiatus...

I needed a break of sorts, I suppose. I'm going to start this up again and hopefully be able to update it once a week. We shall see!

The irony of starting again on Easter... I'm not Christian, of any sort so religiously the holiday means little to me but the fact that it's about resurection has not escaped me. So we'll resurect the blog and see how it goes.

The crazy little boy has had way to much candy given to him. We'll have to ration that out pretty slowly or he'd try and eat it all at once. The teeny one is to small to eat solid anything yet, so there's no worry about her candy consumption. There probably won't be to much worry about it at the next candy fest (aka Halloween!) either. The boy though... he'll be all over that.

I think that the candy plaed in comparison to the toys though. He got 3 cars - 2 different Lightning McQueens and a Mater. He has carried them all over the house this morning. We really need to find him a couple of other movies though, cause Cars is getting old. Not that I mind his Disney addiction, but there are others... and we need to start watching some of the others. Before Mommy loses it! I can recite parts of the movie verbatim. I know it's a phase and he'll grow out of it, but still.