Saturday, July 7, 2007

Random chatter

It's probably not real commonly known (well, I sure didn't know) that sadness like this is actually a physical thing. I mean, obviously there's a huge emotional part there. But there is this physical pain that goes along with it. Maybe pain is a bad word choice. But it's harder to breathe, joints ache (mostly, my back but I've also had other pains in my knees), and there are moments when my heart physically feels heavier. I doubt it actually is, it just feels that way.

I also have these wonderfully conflicting emotions (hear the sarcasm here?). I've wanted to have children forever (it seems that way, anyhow). We certainly worked long enough to have the boys. And yes, it did sometimes feel like work. And I have the boys, in a sense. Nobody can take away the fact that I am a mommy. But... I don't have them. The rest of the world sees a person with no children. Not that I really care what anybody else thinks, but in a sense I don't have any children. It's a strange thing to try and understand. How can I want to get pregnant again (like NOW!) and still recognize that I have children (which IS what I wanted)? Maybe this doesn't make sense to anybody else. Whatever else you might say, DO NOT tell me that I shouldn't worry about it. Because I'm going to, for awhile anyway.

I decided today that I also needed to put anything that could potentially get barfed on or otherwise destroyed by a cat needed to get put away. This included several things that were not specifically for the boys (like a car window shade I had bought) and a few things I had bought for them (like the Eeyore and Pooh stuffed animals). And part of me didn't really want to put them away, like they were just for another baby because they weren't (although they will, obviously, get passed down). I felt somewhat horrible for "hiding" these things. That wasn't my intention, but I think that's what it ends up looking like.

And of course, I am one of those people who worries. There's no real explanation for why I do, but I do. Maybe it's partially being a person who abhores things being totally outside of their control. Actually, it's probably largely a result of that, but I digress. My worries are compounding. I am terrified that it'll take us another year or more to conceive another child. Now, this worry seems silly since the clomid clearly worked (heck, it worked on the first try, so what does that tell you?) and chances are that it will work again (why wouldn't it?) but the worrier in me... well... yeah. And then there's the worry I have of how well the clomid works. Remember the first ultrasound showed 4 sacs, although only two actual babies. So, I fully expect another set of twins (or worse). The thought of a cerclage scares the hell out of me (but may be the best choice, depending on the situation) especially since one of the potential problems is that it could inadvertantly cause preterm labor (wouldn't that be bloody brilliant?). I'd probably also rather take drugs, but I don't think that's the first choice that's used. That's one of those ask the doctor questions. As to why I'd rather the drugs... probably just because it doesn't require somebody trying to sew my cervix shut (charming thought, huh?) but then again, if it means my baby's (babies'?) life, I'd likely walk through heaven and hell. Scratch that, I know I would.

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