Sunday, July 15, 2007

Of patience and decisions

Two weeks seems like both a very long time and a very short time. It's interesting that time can move in two completely different ways like that. And, of course, there are decisions that I need to make. Cause life would not decide to be easy ever (heh, why would it?). And then there are the two strange occurences....

So number one starts with tomorrow. I'm going to an interview tomorrow at a high school north of us. This would be the second time I've changed jobs within a few months. This wasn't my original plan... but there are reasons. Originally, I had no choice to change jobs. The job I had at North was going to be gone as of the summer, since the new school is finally opening. Plus the hour commute was just really long and difficult. I hadn't realized just how far until I was doing it. When I was offered the job I have now, I was under the impression that I wouldn't have to teach Earth Science. And then I got Earth Science and lots of it, with no sign of relief. I can't explain to you how much I hate freshman. They're to much like middle schoolers. This new job is offering me Biology. Not perfect, but a BIG improvement. My hesitation is that were I still pregnant, I wouldn't be changing jobs. Part of that is probably because most people won't hire a woman who's obviously pregnant (it's illegal, but that's never stopped anybody yet). Part of my dislike may well also just be uncomfortable with new surroundings. Be that as it may, I'm in a position where I don't really feel comfortable with the people I work with and a lot of them aren't even people I really know. So the idea of going in to work in a month and having to explain to all these people about what happened, well let's just say it's not appealing. The idea of starting over fresh, so to speak, is nice. I don't have to tell anybody that I don't want to tell. This seems like a giant cop out to me, like running away. But as several people have pointed out to me, this isn't about proving emotional strength. It's just difficult to seperate the two at this point (the emotion and the rational).

Of course, I face the same thing again on Friday. I've been teaching a test prep class. It's easy, once a week for 2 hours. Currently, it's also paying $35/hour (that may be changing, but I'm not going to worry about that right now). The Friday after 4th of July we had off and I took last Friday off as well but this upcoming Friday I need to go back. This is a daunting idea, but one that must be done. Kind of a similar situation as above, but a different situation. I'm really hoping that nobody says anything. Or that the director said something to the students last week. Anything that saves me from having to say something.

I think that part of the problem is that I tend to be private. This loss is incredibly personal and I don't tend to be an incredibly open person with people that I don't know real well. I don't know if this is something that most people feel or if it's just the quietness in me dominating (or protecting). In a lot of ways, even the pregnancy was personal. I didn't say anything to people until I had to (and obviously by the end, it was quite obvious but I still wasn't saying anything) and I was quiet even when I did tell people things. Unless they were close (or a doctor), they weren't getting details. So that same feeling is taking over now, except that people tend to be nosy about things like this. So I'm getting anxious about having to say anything.

So, about the strange occurences. Both of these things can likely be explained away easily, but they still surprised me. The first one has to do with the birdfeeder we have. There's a family of cardinals that has been living in the woods behind our house, although for the past month or so I haven't seen the Mommy, the Daddy or the babies. Today though, they all showed up. The babies are looking all grown up with mostly red feathers (so they're boys, ironically enough) and some of the baby feathers still muting the red. They're going to be very pretty. The fact that the cardinals had two baby boys just kind of stuck with me today. It's good to know that they're both doing well. I was wondering if the boys didn't send me the babies just to let me know they're ok.

The second odd moment today was in the boys' room. The cloth cubes are all filled up with stuff that makes them rather heavy, espcially the one on the bottom which has all the little pajama/onesies that I had bought. This morning that cube was pulled out, about half way. But there was no sign of cats - no pulls in the fabric or signs of cat fur. I mean... I guess they could have pulled it out without leaving a trace, but that's very unlike the cats. So, I'm guessing it was the cats, but I've got no proof of that (and no other ideas about how it could have happened that can be proven by any earthly beings).

Next Tuesday, I go to my OB for a post-partum checkup and she'll (hopefully) answer all my questions, or the ones that can be answered at any rate. I've got a list of questions written down. High on the list is when we'll be able to try again. I'm betting that the answer is going to be October/November ish. I don't like that answer, but as she controls the clomid rx we kinda have no options. It's probably for the best, medically, but it makes me uncomfortable. I need to be patient, I suppose. I'm not the most patient person. But before stressing, I need to patient and see what she says. There's that word again...

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