Monday, July 9, 2007


Today, in a few hours, officially marks the birth of my boys. I had trouble sleeping last night. I wouldn't be surprised to have trouble sleeping tonight. Last night I spent hours laying in bed, going over moments in my head. It was literally like "at this time last week, I had the cramps that I thought would go away. what if I'd gone to the hosptial now, instead of waiting?" and on, and on, and on. Eventually I fell asleep and then I'd wake up to go to the bathroom and I'd have to start all over again. I keep looking at the clock... I know that I'm counting down the hours and minutes in my head (5 hours to go, until Liam was born). It's... hard. I don't want to do it. I keep telling myself not to do it. And then I do it again. Time moves so strangely now. Some moments I don't know where they went and other moments drag on like they'll never end.

I've also found it interesting (or something like that) that I have no desire to chat with people online about trying anymore. While we were trying for the boys, it seemed that chatting with other people kept me sane. Now... all of their concerns seem so silly. I've read across a few different threads, and with the exception of one board, there isn't anywhere I want to talk about trying. Maybe I just can't relate to people who've been trying for 2 months and cry when they discover they aren't pregnant. Or the people who test 15 times a day, even though they got a negative the first time. Maybe that'll change with time.

I also wish people would quit telling me that I can't replace Liam and Conner by being pregnant again. I KNOW that. I think it's annoying that anybody could even think that I'm trying to replace them. They aren't replaceable. They're my babies. Am I supposed to sit here and just cry and hope for several months that I could have them back? I can't have them back. I am acutely aware of the fact that I can't have them back. Why is it so wrong that we want to have children. Are people just that uncomfortable with the idea of losing a child that they think that wanting to try again means I want a replacement for my boys? I find it somewhat ironic to that most of the people telling me that I'm rushing myself (like they'd know) also have children that are alive. I'm not looking at the world through their glasses.

No comments: