Saturday, February 10, 2007

Starting over again

Well, 50mg of clomid was a bust. Now I get 100mg to see if that will work. I'm also going to take it a day earlier than my doctor said to. The difference between 2-6 and 3-7 should be minimal. There's also some evidence to suggest that the earlier in your cycle you take the clomid the more follicles you will produce, hence further increasing the risk of multiples. This concept is odd and rather difficult for me to wrap my head around.

On the one hand, all I want is a baby. If taking clomid a little earlier presents a higher chance for an egg to be produced and fertilized and implant then that's a good thing. But the flip side of this is that I have no idea how many follicles I'll end up producing. I could get triplets or quadruplets or some number bigger than that. That's a rather unnerving thought. Not that I'd complain. I mean I don't plan on having all my children in one shot but if that's the way it goes, then so be it. I'm kinda working with fate on this. Fate hasn't really wanted to cooperate yet.

So here we are at cd2 of cycle #14, over a year after we started this journey. We're no closer to being parents then when we started, unfortunately. This never seems to get easier either. My favorite grocery store has this wonderful display when you walk in of Winnie the Pooh books. It's one of those things where you buy a new book each week. My first thought was that they were cute. My second was that I still don't have any kids to buy them for. I walk through Borders and look at the kids books and all the cute titles and I'm reminded that I have nobody to read them too. I've wondered walking through Walmart if I'll ever need any of the cute little baby outfits that they have. I see an article about baby seats and sigh knowing that right now it doesn't matter.

I've been trying very hard to not let this take over my life. Yet at the same time, I'm constantly reminded that I'm 30 and that most women who are 30 are mothers or on their way to being moms. Somehow that dream isn't being allowed to me. That makes me both sad and angry. I've tried very hard to be a good person. I have a stable life and could take care of a child. I have plenty of love to share. We have enough money to take care of a child. But fate seems to want to deny me. I wonder if it took me to long to find a father and if I should have just gotten pregnant with somebody along the way. But I was being smart, everybody told me. You have to wait until everything is perfect and you have a home and a husband and everything is all set in your life. So great, I followed the party line. I get nothing. It doesn't seem fair.

As awful as this sounds there are days when I'm incredibly angry reading the ttc boards I'm on because there are women who are upset they can't have a second, third or fourth child. While I'm totally sure that they feel their families are incomplete and that must hurt I think that this hurt is different. They have the one thing I can't seem to get and may never know. That makes me feel totally broken. The one thing my body is designed for it won't do and I'm not even sure it can. There are no answers, there's no comfort there. It's very lonely to be the woman who will never have grandchildren. I wonder sometimes what life would be like at 60 if I never have children. All I feel is lonely.

One of the worst things is that as you get older people start to wonder why you don't have kids. What do you tell them? That you couldn't? That you don't want any? I've met people who don't want kids. I don't like most of them. They're selfish people, typically - not to say that all people who don't want kids are selfish, just the ones I've met.

I don't know where I'm going with this... I just needed to vent some, I guess. That and I'm starting to run out of options. It's difficult to start to see the end of a tunnel and know that the journey may not end where you want. I don't know what steps to take next. I don't know where to get the money to take that step, whatever it might be.

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