Thursday, December 21, 2006

Waiting, Wondering, Sobbing

Well, it seems that another month has been wasted. After testing this morning and getting another negative test I broke down. I've cried on and off all day. I still feel like crying. I still have no answers, no period, no baby.

I've been wondering of late what I did to deserve this kind of torture. Maybe I killed babies in a past life? Did I suffocate all my children as a mother in a past life and this is my punishment? Several people have said that they don't think I did anything. Today somebody told me that they think I'm going through this because I "can handle it". Well, I can't. I can not handle this in any way, shape or form. I'm tired of watching everybody else get a baby. It's like cutting the line when you're little and the person who cuts gets the lollipop you wanted and now they don't have any more of that kind. It's unfair.

I have a very strong sense of religion. I truly believe that there is something out there and it's much bigger than us. What I don't understand is why it seems to have such a twisted sense of humor. At this point I would do anything at all, if I thought it might help me get the baby I want.

I was asked about adoption today. While that's certainly an option I have several problems with that. First is the cost. If I'm helping somebody out, why does it cost me upwards of $20,000 (the lowest estimate I've really seen)? I mean, we could take good care of a child. We can't buy them fancy cars or designer clothes but what child really needs that? They need love. Sadly it seems that money truly does rule the world. My second issue is that I don't think it's fair that I can't have my own child. I don't think that I could truly accept a child yet. That may sound shallow. Talk to me when you're in my place. It's easy to say when you're not in the process or after you've had some of your own. It's much harder to accept the fact that you're defective and you need somebody to have a child that they don't want for you to have your own.

Which really, I think, sums up what the worst part of all this is. I'm defective. My body doesn't want to do what it's designed to do. And there's no reason for it. It just doesn't want to. But that's what women are supposed to do. So in the eyes of the greater world, I've failed.

My legacy is failure. I hate my life.

1 comment:

Taradactyl in a Modern World said...

Big hugs!!! I feel like a failure each month too. I understand the feeling that it's as if we can't do what we were made to do. I cannot say anything to help you but I just want you to know I care and think of you often.