Thursday, December 28, 2006

Adventures in Clomid

Well then... I went back to my doctor today. She's really quite wonderful. I love her. Sadly, I had to get stuck again (Wow, I hate needles... I must really, really, really want a baby). The blood work is just to check and make sure the met isn't causing any liver or kidney issues. I feel fine, so I doubt it.

The met dosage was upped from 500mg 2 times a day to 850mg 2 times a day. That's a grand total of 700 extra mg daily. That's actually a good bit if you don't know the SI units that scientists use (Who thought that chem major would come in this handy?). So, yay I guess.

The more interesting thing is the brand new clomid. I'm sure this will be an adventure in itself. It's 50 mg on cycle days 3-7. Yummy. It was kinda odd cause the pills come in foil packs so my rx is in a zip lock baggie. Yes, the pharmacy put my rx in a ziploc baggie. Whatever works I guess. So now all I have to do is wait for the provera to do its thing and then we see what clomid does to an ordinarily insane person. Wait... I meant... yeah, I'm totally sane. This also means I get to go back to the doctor 7 dpo for another poke for more blood to check my progesterone levels (oh fun! more needles *sarcasm*).

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Happy Birthday to me (not)

So, whatever has happened is a mystery but clearly I'm not pregnant (again). I never thought I'd get to 30 and not have any kids. Yet here I am... lucky me. After all, as people love to tell me "You have all the time in the world", "Think of all the things you can do without kids - you never have to worry about they destroying things" and my personal favorite "Well, God has a plan".

I am painfully reminded of Bethany in Dogma. God never consulted me about this plan and quite frankly, I don't like it.

Here I am. Alone on my birthday. Painfully reminded that I may spend the rest of my life alone.

Pardon me while I go cry. Thanks.

Friday, December 22, 2006

I've lost it

Well, in a desperate bid to keep my hopes alive, I've come up with a theory.

I've looked at the rates for hCG showing up in pregnancy. For those not in the know, hCG is the hormone that your body produces to support a pregnancy until the placenta is formed and can take over baby care. I've visited a few sites that talk about hCG levels and how they should change early in pregnancy. Most sites (some go a little higher to 10) say that 7 days after conception (likely before the fetus even implants) hCG is very low 0-5, which is totally undetectable.

Then it goes on to say the next week the amounts can range from 5-426, which is a huge range to deal with. However, It's entirely possible that you could be pregnant and not yet test positive (especially depending on when implantation happens which could be as late as day 12). Therefore it stands to reason that if your fetus (well, not a fetus but anyway) implants on day 12 (or possibly in my case, day 11 - I had some cramps that day for no apparent reason) there wouldn't necessarily be enough hCG to detect in a urine test. Now, supposedly that amount should double every two to three days. So... IF (big if) I implanted on 11dpo, let's assume my hCG was at 5 that day (it should be low, since your body erally has no way of knowing whether conception has occured yet)... There's no way to detect that until... (worst case) 20dpo?????? Or three days from now (it would be at 40 at that point, worst case, again).

So I will test again in a few days. Maybe Sunday morning (which would be 19 dpo). At that point, it should be high enough to be detectable. I mean, my situation can't get any worse, right?

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Waiting, Wondering, Sobbing

Well, it seems that another month has been wasted. After testing this morning and getting another negative test I broke down. I've cried on and off all day. I still feel like crying. I still have no answers, no period, no baby.

I've been wondering of late what I did to deserve this kind of torture. Maybe I killed babies in a past life? Did I suffocate all my children as a mother in a past life and this is my punishment? Several people have said that they don't think I did anything. Today somebody told me that they think I'm going through this because I "can handle it". Well, I can't. I can not handle this in any way, shape or form. I'm tired of watching everybody else get a baby. It's like cutting the line when you're little and the person who cuts gets the lollipop you wanted and now they don't have any more of that kind. It's unfair.

I have a very strong sense of religion. I truly believe that there is something out there and it's much bigger than us. What I don't understand is why it seems to have such a twisted sense of humor. At this point I would do anything at all, if I thought it might help me get the baby I want.

I was asked about adoption today. While that's certainly an option I have several problems with that. First is the cost. If I'm helping somebody out, why does it cost me upwards of $20,000 (the lowest estimate I've really seen)? I mean, we could take good care of a child. We can't buy them fancy cars or designer clothes but what child really needs that? They need love. Sadly it seems that money truly does rule the world. My second issue is that I don't think it's fair that I can't have my own child. I don't think that I could truly accept a child yet. That may sound shallow. Talk to me when you're in my place. It's easy to say when you're not in the process or after you've had some of your own. It's much harder to accept the fact that you're defective and you need somebody to have a child that they don't want for you to have your own.

Which really, I think, sums up what the worst part of all this is. I'm defective. My body doesn't want to do what it's designed to do. And there's no reason for it. It just doesn't want to. But that's what women are supposed to do. So in the eyes of the greater world, I've failed.

My legacy is failure. I hate my life.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The Waiting Game

It seems that desperately wanting an answer to whether or not you are pregnant will almost certainly not get you an answer. I'm currently 14dpo (days past ovulation) and I have no signs good or bad. Of course, I might know better if I had continued to take temperatures but they were driving me insane. See the deal with temperatures is that after ovulation your body produces progesterone. Progesterone makes your temperature higher than normal immediately upon waking up (maybe during the day too, but I can't be sure about that one). Of course those temperatures also fluctuate - which is where the problem comes in. It's fine if it's going up but boy... if it goes down it can be devastating. Especially when it keeps coming down. So I had a huge drop and stopped temping figuring if it was going up or down one way or another I'd get an answer eventually. Except now I have no temperatures to look at for the last week so I don't know what's going on. If I had the temperatures I could say whether af was coming or not. But I can't. So now I wait... until something happens.

The worst part is that technically I may not have ovulated after all. Past cycles showed brief temperature rises that were followed by a fall and the whole cycle ended up being anovulatory because my temperatures were just rising and falling but no egg was ever released. Ever curse a decision after the fact? Now all I can do is... wait.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Background

So that you're warned, this may be filled with abbreviations that you don't know. Take heart - hopefully you'll never have to know what they mean. I'll try to at least put something once to help the less informed along.

I am a 30 year old who has spent many years of her life looking for the right guy. Thank heaven, I finally found him (took him long enough to show up!). He's 35 and wonderful. We've been married for almost 1 and a half years now. Life, I thought, was pretty good. That was until I jumped on this roller coaster.

We've been TTC (trying to conceive) our first child for a year now. Yes, you heard me right. A year. 12 months. That's a long time. To put things into perspective I'll add some detail about my body. I'll try not to be too gross.

Of course, before I met my DH (dear husband, unless he's ticked me off... in which case you can likely fill in the other D that could be used) I was, like most other women in modern america, on birth control. My drug of choice was pills (as opposed to shots or things in my uterus). Be warned now - I'm convinced that those pills had some affect, whether the doctors swear otherwise or not. I was on bc pills for 10 years. Looking back, not the best idea. But what did I know?

Last year I went to my doctor who told me to stop taking the pills and have fun if I wanted a baby. So, I did......... and nothing happened. And nothing happened. And nothing happened. Now, I'm generally an optimist. I didn't expect for lightning to strike the first time (my DH did though), or even the second. But by try number three I was suspicious. There was another problem too. After stopping with the pills, my first menstrual cycle was 33 days (about where they were before I started taking the pills). The second however, was longer - 47 days. However, my doctor had warned me that could happen as my body readjusted. No big deal I thought. The third try was again 33 days. At this point, I decided to begin charting my cycles (you can see the charts by looking in my links below). This is when things got strange. 41 days, 46 days, 51 days! Whoa - I called my doctor back. 51 days, and it seemed as though I did not ovulate (when you ovulate, you should see a shift in your temperatures to higher temps). Not to worry she said. We'll talk at your yearly visit. Naturally, I was not happy by this conversation. It was now early October. So I tracked down a new doctor.

She agreed with me that something was amiss. She gave me Provera to induce a period (just to make sure) and diagnosed me as insulin resistant. This led to a prescription for Metformin (aka Glucophage) which is most commonly used to treat type 2 diabetes (and what I have is a precursor to type 2, typically, and type 2 runs in my family).

Currently, I am on day 32 of cycle #12, and hoping that we conceived this time. However, experience has taught me to not get my hopes up. The next step is Clomid, which is sure to be an adventure. I think after that step we move onto an RE (reproductive endocrinologist). So far, I have faith that my body can pull this off. However, we still need to wait and see. I invite you along on this journey. It's likely to be interesting.

Brand new

This blog is brand new. The goal is to post about my trials and tribulations of infertility, as it were. Welcome.